Tag Archives: Chris

My son got sprayed by a skunk and the stink won’t go away help!?

How do I get rid of the smell!?!

Chris:
It is true…the defensive glandular release of the skunk is a mighty force to be reckoned with. Of course, the absolute easiest way to deal with the smell is to just write the kid off. Cut your losses. You didn’t include your age and measurements in the question submission (we really should insist upon this in the future) but I can only assume that you are at a point in your life where you are still capable of creating a suitable replacement. A replacement that doesn’t smell awful. However, I suppose I can understand if you have developed some sort of attachment to this walking bag of potential organ replacements. This being the case…you have some options.You can Continue reading
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Exactly what would be the best method in kidnapping Ryan Reynolds to be my sex slave?

-ericarosie

Chris:

Well…I don’t want to give the impression that I’m an expert in kidnapping or endorse it in any way, but I do have quite an extensive collection of hobos who I have living out in the pump house behind the vegetable garden. My years of gathering them has afforded me an insight that I feel could be quite helpful with your problem.

The big trick once you’ve identified your target is determining what it is that could easily be used as bait. Wait…let’s change that. Let’s say ‘enticement focus.’ Now, for my hobby, I prefer to use a solid titanium shopping cart. It is shiny, it is durable, and it can hold a hell of a lot of stuff. I can’t imagine that this will work on Ryan Reynolds though. He probably can afford his own shopping carts by this point. For him…you need to try to think what it is that he WOULD want.

Being a fellow Canadian, he is part of our commune, and therefore I have access to a detailed list of his hopes and dreams and his preferred objects of enticement focus. If possible, try to get hold of as many of the following items as possible:
1.    Men’s low rise jeans.
2.    Year supply of lean chicken breasts.
3.    Scripts for huge movies that will probably tank but have a loveable and quirky character who seems to always have amazing chemistry with any living creature within a 50’ radius.
4.    Combination shampoo/conditioner for extra volume.
5.    Fitted t-shirts.
6.    Beard trimmer.

Once you have these items, it is a mere matter of stalking and patience. I suggest camping outside of gyms and attractive people stores (What? They’re a thing…I go to them all the time). Leave these things in a big pile, but try your best to keep any cages or nets out of sight. If you absolutely have no choice and need to keep these things visible don’t worry too much. Keep the meat on top and he probably won’t even notice.

Once you have him in your clutches, you’re going to want to find a warm safe place to keep him. Make sure that he has access to sunlight and weights. He’s going to want to feel at home and that he’s in a safe, warm place. Find more scripts to keep him occupied and ask him about his abs whenever possible. Get him to talk about his memories of “2 Guys A Girl And A Pizza Place” (see if he can get hold of episodes for me and maybe give me a reason why it isn’t on DVD yet).

As for the sexening…well this is venturing into territory that I am unfamiliar with. I rarely have sex with my hobos. They have a tendency to try to steal my boots. Maybe let him know that you have boobs? That should probably work. Guys like boobs.
Best of luck to you!


Ok, Here’s a Physics question for you guys, in two parts. How do I answer the following problem?

You stand on the seat of a chair and then hop off.

(a) During the time you are in flight down to the floor, the Earth is lurching up toward you with an acceleration a. What is the value of a? Visualize the Earth as a perfectly solid object.

If the seat of the chair is 33 cm off the floor, how far does the Earth move while you are falling?

Geoff:

It’s not Your Stupid Advice’s job to do your physics homework for you, we’re more of an advice column for people who need, well, advice. That said, I think there are some very basic physics lessons that you missed that will help you with this problem, so let’s go ahead and answer this one.

First of all, Newton proved once and for all that objects with different mass will travel to Earth at different speeds. So if I weigh 135 pounds, I will arrive at the earth 32% slower than someone who weighs 190 pounds. This is a basic scientific fact.

Second, I agree that it should be called a flight even though it’s very, very short but saying the Earth is lurching towards you is ridiculous. It’s more of an outright attack on you. The Earth hates when people escape and she will come after you, with a vengeance paralleled only by Michael Myers on Halloween, should you do something to remove yourself from contact. This is also a scientific fact.

Third, the earth is 71.11 percent water, so visualizing the planet as a perfectly solid object is really dumb. This is a fact and then a critical judgement on your mental acuity.

Fourth, 33 centimeters is 12 inches. Where are you going to find a 12 inch chair to jump off of? Hobbiton? I’ve stepped off of curbs higher than 12 inches. If you were to jump off a 33cm chair the earth wouldn’t even know enough to be pissed at you for leaving (see point 2).

Clearly your physics teacher has no idea what he’s talking about. You need to take the points above and write a letter to him to let him know how far off he really is about science. Make sure you remind him that the theory of gravity is just a theory. Also, bring an IKEA catalog with you to show proper measurements for a chair.

After you do that, just sit back and wait for your A. You deserve it.

Chris:

In an effort to solve this problem I turned to physical experimentation. This is a difficult procedure, because you must remember that at all times, we are hurtling through space at a ridiculous speed. When you take into account the Earth’s rotation, the movement around the sun, the sun’s movement through the galaxy and our spinning across the universe, we are travelling at an estimated speed of 2142720km/h. Once I realized this I had to go have a lie down for awhile. This was unsettling. That is too fast and it makes me queasy.

After a few hours and a light snack, I decided to once again tackle this problem. After I played Batman Arkham City for awhile. Damn that game is good. Seriously, have you tried it? A few hours and you won’t give a damn about physics anymore. I am a professional though and I chose to man up and answer this stupid question so I could get on with the important things in my life.

So…in order to take that pesky speed into account, I chose to represent it as simply R, where R stands for Really Mindbogglingly Fast. The distance from Point A (me) and Point B (Earth) is relatively simple as you have already established this in your question. It is simply 33cm. This constant shall be represented by 33. Since it is a number and already represents what it is (why complicate things?). Let’s hold on to these symbols and we can slot them into our formula later.

We’re moving right along here aren’t we? Ok. We need to establish my moving speed now. I unfortunately suffer from a genetic glandular disorder which causes me to reach terminal velocity almost immediately. This can be problematic and causes me to reach speeds of about 90m/s pretty much instantaneously. If the the chair is .33m tall, this means that it takes me only .22 seconds to crash into the ground with an impact force of 32658.62 N.

With all of these components in mind I stepped aboard the chair to gather some good old hard data. Unfortunately, when I fell, the high speeds and crushing force caused me to shatter my left leg. Currently, I am hospitalized and it looks like it is going to be a long and grueling road to recovery.

I have not answered your question.

I am in immense pain.

I hope you are satisfied with yourself.

You and physics are both assholes and you deserve each other.


Cheese In The Bag

I was recently traveling (regular, not time) and a jumbo jar of cheese whiz exploded in my suitcase.  there’s cheese whiz all over everything.  i already have a knife and bread in hand but other than that, what should i do?

Vincent

Chris:
First of all, I have a hard time believing that this could possibly happen to anyone. Cheez Whiz™  containers are nearly indestructible, and one of the safest petroleum based condiments known to man to transport.Now…if this were merely an imitation brand of a delicious spreadable cheese product, we would have an entirely different situation. Especially if the product was being transported, not in a suitcase, but in a pale green duffel bag that had the name ‘Chris Angel’ inscribed on the tag and the aforementioned bag was travelling from Ottawa to Windsor. In this specific set of circumstances then the odds of Catastrophic Cheese Product Rupture is almost a bankable certainty.

Hopefully, it is cold enough outside, you can just leave the duffel bag on your back porch and not have to deal with for a few days. This is what I did the preferred strategy. Doing this allows you to carry on for days as if nothing happened at all, and as if there wasn’t a bag filled with clothes that were covered in cheese on your back porch. Let it sit there for a few days and think about what it did whilst you carry on with your daily activities…such as trying to sleep while the bong stench is emanating from your roommate’s bedroom.

Eventually, after a week or two you are going to need to deal with the wild pack of raccoons that is now living on your back porch, wearing your collection of ironic t-shirts. I suggest a suitable distraction such as a backpack filled with someone else’s laundry and peanut butter. If hurled properly, this serves as an excellent distraction and will lure the furry bandits far enough away that you can safely grab your duffel bag/cheese harbinger.

Once you have attained the bag, be careful in opening it. It is going to smell awful. And I mean unexepectedly awful. Not many people know exactly what a bag filled with cheese covered clothes is going to smell like…but you have to trust me when I say that it is fricken funky. This task is also going to be exponentially more difficult if you have several roommates who are planning on standing around and just watching what you are doing while offering no assistance whatsoever and instead just offer commentary on your apparent lack of brain power and make suggestive comments regarding your parentage.

After your senses have sufficiently recovered from the cloud of cheese smell, it is time to start emptying that bag out. First, try to see if there is any salvageable cheese product left in there. If you can pick the shards of broken glass out, then you have orange spreadable gold there, my friend. Grab some handfuls of it and throw it into a tupperware container of some sort. Once the biggest chunks of cheese have been removed it is time for the cleaning.
For cleaning…you are going to want to use a garden hose and absolutely no soap of any kind. The soap won’t hurt anything, it is just an extra step and you are probably lazy. Hose down the bag and all affected clothing items inside. Try and scrub things around for awhile and see what happens. Maybe some of the cheese will come off. Probably not. Continue doing this for about half an hour or so. Then…throw it all away. Yup. Just get fed up with it and junk the whole thing, clothes and all, in the garbage.

Well…I hope that I have helped you, Vincent. You asshole.


I have been working at a new job for 3 weeks…

It is a fairly new company, and I was brought in as a department head. I have no experience in the field, and no managerial experience. That being said, I love my new job, and feel I am fairly good at it. At least as good as I could be in a new job, and position. My problem is, I am starting to feel extremely warn [sic] out and overwhelmed already, and I think that is mostly due to the stress, and I am getting extremely lost in some parts of my position. How would you handle this? I just need suggestions to hold me over until I get comfortable in this position.

Chris:

Ah…yes…I can well relate to the feeling of being the new person in an unfamiliar work environment. This reminds me of the few months I spent as a cardiac surgeon. The first few months of that position, while enjoyable, were spent coping with large amounts of stress, countless screaming patients, multiple malpractice suits, and at least one incident involving townsfolk and pitchforks.

Regardless of whether you are starting a new job in an office, waiting on tables for the first time, or spending several months pretending to be a world renowned heart surgeon with a briefcase of highly suspect and mostly fraudulent documents, the feeling of being lost can be the same. We all share that feeling of disorientation and sinking. The good news is that you can cope with this. The bad news is that you have to rely on me to find out how.

Your first strategy is to identify who the biggest pushover in the office. Personally, I find the easiest way to do this is to walk around screaming a lot at random. The higher someone jumps, the bigger the pushover they are. This will be the person who will now be doing all of your work. Immediately pass over your most daunting tasks to them whilst constantly reminding them how you are now their best friend and would hate to see something happen to their lovely home. This should put them at ease and make them eager to be part of your team. (It is important to have a team name, even if you never share it with anyone. My team is Team Wickenstein. I’m not really sure why I called it that, but I must have had a very good reason).

Once you have your workload dealt with, it is time to deal with the stress. Now…your first step should have eliminated a lot of the stress, but you might have some residual stress kicking around, or perhaps a new type of low level guilt-stress after discovering that you are capable of being a no good lazy workload passer. Fortunately your job has seen to it to provide the means of relieving this. On your desk you should have a computer. This computer probably has some internet access. In fact, you are probably using it RIGHT THIS SECOND TO READ THIS ADVICE! Well…this internet place is FILLED with stress relieving sites. Did you know that there is an entire digital world in here of cute and fluffy cats doing hilarious things? There are cats playing piano, water skiing, pretending to be dogs, watching TV, wearing clothes…the list goes on. Hold on…I gotta go see some more of these cats.

Ha. That was awesome. He thinks he’s people.

Once you have your workload and stress taken care of you’re golden. From this point on it is all about maintenance mode. This means identifying the absolute bare minimum to do and still maintain the illusion of being a valuable employee. For the most part this means answering emails from your boss and reminding them of where they left their glasses, stapler, or stethoscope. I also find walking around the office quickly makes it look like you are busy and a person who is getting things done. This is doubly effective if you remember to make sure that your pants are done up.

Remember, we have all been the new person at a job and we all just want to look like we know what we are doing. Keep calm, keep focused, and keep on piling your stuff on the scapegoat. It’s ok. He’s probably an asshole anyway.


How to buy the best flashlight?

Chris:

Well, I guess first you want to really make sure that you adhere to due diligence and do your research. Though it is a product that is only a few years old, there are a variety of different types these days and the selection can be overwhelming.

You need to start with the main question: Which one is right for me? Seems like a simple enough question but you have to remember that we, as humans, are a fickle bunch and can sometimes not know our own desires. Do you want to go with one that has a dark flesh tone? Light flesh? Perhaps you want one that is based upon an actual known star such as Jenna Haze. This can give it that slightly more personal experience.

On top of that you have all the options of the various different body parts now. Sure…your base model is always going to be a classic, but perhaps you want something that fits a little tighter. There are models that are well equipped to accommodate you now. These can bring that extra little spice you might have been looking for.

Your research really shouldn’t end there though…maintenance can be an issue. Be sure to check out the best lubes to useas well as proper cleaning practices before purchasing. You don’t want to get something that is going to end up being a hassle in the long run. This is supposed to be something that is fun…not a chore to do. Also, make sure that you have made your choice before you even enter that store, remember…trying out the merchandise before purchasing is severely frowned upon.

I hope that I was able to offer some help and here’s hoping that you can pick the Fleshlight that is right for you!

Oh wait. I just re-read the question.

Can’t you just use your cell phone like everyone else?

Geoff:

I’ve been thinking a lot about cats recently. I mean, how cool are they? They are the vampires of the pet-animal kingdom, with all the style, smoothness and seemingly infinite life span. They appear wherever   they want, jump 10 times their standing height and can peer to the very depths of your soul. They are also self-sufficient for the most part, which is a bonus if you have commitment problems.

This is, of course, in complete opposition to the zombie of the pet-animal world: the dog. Canines are driven by one instinct and one instinct only: to feed. They will do just about anything to fuck you out of whatever it is that you are trying to ingest. In fact, in a recent survey I made up for this paragraph, 95% of dogs’ thoughts end in “…. and then I can get their food”. This is a dog in a nutshell.

I’ve often wondered what would happen if a vampire got bitten by a zombie. They are two totally different breeds of creature that procreate through some sort of fluid exchange. I’d like to think that the blind ambition of the zombie would feed into the smooth, beautiful vampiric lifestyle, but my guess is a Dick Clark post-stroke confused creature is closer to the mark.

What does this have to do with flashlights? Absolutely nothing, which is what you’re going to see if you buy a shitty flashlight. Don’t be cheap. Buy a Maglite, so when you’re running from zombie-vampire Dick Clark through an alley on New Years Rockin’ Eve you won’t have to pause to smack your flashlight on your palm to get it to turn back on.


Did I get scammed?

I went to the bank Saturday and a guy asked me to deposit a $2500 dollar for him check for him. I gave him $1400 from my account and he left the $2500 check for me. I’m scared this could be fraud and i will get in trouble for it what should i do?

– fiscally concerned
Chris:

Well, personally, I think you have nothing to worry about. This sounds like a classic case of reward for a damned good deed.

This actually reminds me of a problem that YOU could help ME with. You see, I help manage the importing of goods into our country with funds that are currently trapped in another country, somewhere else. I’d tell you where, but I can’t find my atlas.

Here’s where you come in. I’d like to enlist your help by allowing me to transfer these totally existent trapped funds from my account (in the very real country whose name I can’t remember) into your account. I would move it to my own personal account but there are legal reasons preventing me from doing so. Something about me being a civil servant or something with the country where the money is trapped (again…that real country).

Now, if you let me transfer this money into your account we of course would be willing to share a small percentage of the funds with you. I think a 20% commission should be fair, right? And since the amount I need to transfer is about eleventy million, that leaves you with a fair amount of change left over to spend on shoes or exotic animals.

So…all I need from you is, is your name, account numbers, home address, email, phone number, shoe size, schedule, irrational fears, any known weaknesses, credit card numbers, and power of attorney.

I look forward to doing business with you!


Find the angle between vector A and B, answer in unit of degrees?

The vectors are A=-3i+3j and B=5i+2j. Crossed together the equal 21 so I used ABsin(theta)=AxB. But I don’t get the right answer from what my homework is telling me? And help would be appreciated and quick its due in the morning!! Thanks in Advance!

Geoff:

The question you should be asking yourself is: Why do I give a shit? Unless you plan on being a math teacher when you grow up (NOT a life goal I hear often), the first time you have to deal with this type of stuff is the last time you have to deal with this type of stuff. Trust me, I’ve been out of school for twelve years and the most math I’ve had to use is figuring out how much change to give someone when they hand me 20.15 to pay for something that cost 1.85.

It’s harder than it sounds.

Anyway, you’re missing the real point here. Math teachers are notoriously unorganized. This is weird because math is a very organized subject. I remember my algebra teacher in high school shuffling in 6 minutes late with breakfast on his shirt and a trail of papers falling out of his bag behind him. The fact of the matter is that if teachers were more responsible for their things, like this lost angle, you wouldn’t have to go and find them all the time.

On the other side, however, he clearly misses his angle and wants it back. I can only assume that in his own math-nerd way this angle is like a little puppy and he’s just not complete without it. Therefore, since you clearly can’t find it on your own, and you need a good grade, here’s my advice to you:

Make a “Lost-Reward” poster, make a cute little drawing of an angle between vectors A and B, and put them up all over town. Hopefully someone has seen it and will bring it home. Angles can be tricky things to find since they like to hang out in corners and under eaves so make sure the reward you’re offering is worth the effort someone will have to put out. Another thing to watch out for are angles that look like your teacher’s angle, but aren’t the same. There are a lot of fakers out there.

Good luck, and may the force be with you.

Chris:
While the above answer is valid, I think it missed the obvious fact that this was a trick question. Really, when you get down to it, math is the universal language that binds everything together. It is the thread that runs through everything around us.

Obviously, the answer your teacher is really looking for is what are the common interests that binds vector A (you) and vector B (me). Actually, A and B are totally irrelevant here. It could just as well be the common angle between ostrich and locomotive…because of that whole universal language and we are all connected thingie I was just talking about.

The answer is really quite simple. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. All things relate to grilled cheese sandwiches and the best ones have been heated to an internal temperature of 51 degrees Celsius. Ask anyone if they like grilled cheese and they will say “yes”. They will probably also go on to ask you if you happen to have a grilled cheese sandwich on you and if you could give it to them.

Not just people either. Animals. Plants. Inanimate objects (sometimes I stick grilled cheese sandwiches in the gas tank of my car and it is so happy that it refuses to move for a week afterwards). You know…grilled cheese sandwiches are so well loved, that perhaps THEY are the universal language. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches ARE math.

In that case…this question is not a trick question after all. ‘Vector A’ is one piece of bread. ‘Vector B’ is the other piece of bread. Therefore…the angle between them must be ‘cheese’.

Glad to help out. Don’t forget to show your work.


Do you think I have genuine feelings for this guy?

Okay so in drama I have to act as a girl in love with a guy for a play we’re doing but when we’re acting I feel like I don’t need too? I can’t tell whether I’m just in my character or if I have genuine feelings for him? Can anyone help?

Chris:
Well, I myself am an actor and occasionally find myself in such circumstances where I need to try to figure out whether or not I’m playing a part…or if the part is playing me! Just kidding. Parts rarely play people because that doesn’t make sense and I have a certificate here signed by several authorities which states that I no longer believe things that don’t make sense.Over the years, I have compiled a checklist of things to look for in order to determine the realness of what I’m feeling (as a self proclaimed advicist, I retain the right to make up any words that I want to make up…such as ‘realness’).
1. When you follow him home at night and break into his room, how long do you stand there smelling his hair whilst he sleeps? Is it more than 4 hours?
2. When acting out your scenes, and the director tells you it is time to cut, do you find you are throwing yourself bodily at the director and punching his stupid face for ruining the moment?
3. Have you etched his name into your flesh with a coat hanger somewhere that is visible?
4. During the course of a scene, do you shove other people off the stage when they come close to him, even if it isn’t scripted that you do so?If you’ve answered yes to at least three of the questions above, then it is truly real love that you are experiencing and not just fake actor love. In the event that it is real love, really the only rational course of action is to hound him every moment of the day until he realizes he loves you just as much. Sometimes, this requires purchasing a windowless van. Or getting his name tattooed on your hip.

Hope that helps!

Kathy:
Because this type of thing can easily drift into gray areas, I think, rather than try to determine whether or not you have feelings FOR the guy, you should attempt to have feelings OF the guy.This is an endeavor that is much easier to gauge. You will always be able to tell if you have feelings OF a guy.Here’s how to do this. (You can trust me, I feel people up all the time. And most of the time they don’t even know it.)

Whenever you are working with him in a scene, perform all of your blocking very close to him. In fact, just ignore your blocking and stand next to him at all times. You are very likely to touch him, and he you. This will give you more immediate gratification than waiting for him to reciprocate any emotional feelings.

When you enter a room where he already is, sit next to him, only, in your mind, visualize that there is already someone seated next to him so you have to squish in between them, very close to him. Very. Close. It’s even better to try to wait for someone else to actually sit next to him so you don’t have to do the visualization…just the squishing in.

If he enters a room where you already are and comes to sit next to you, quickly, as imperceptibly as possible, put your hand out over the seat he’s about to take so his butt lands on your hand. This is a classic trick that works every time. I get lots of butt action this way.

Constantly be removing phantom things from his hair or batting bugs off of his physical person. “Oh, you had a wasp on your neck. I saved you.” This is always a very socially acceptable reason for touching someone.

Make sure you never laugh at a single joke unless you touch his arm at the same time. Jokes are only funny if arms are being grazed. This is what I have learned from hanging out in singles’ bars.

Bump into him a lot. Klutzy is cute and a convenient way of copping secret, thrilling feels.

Become a hugger. Everyone likes getting hugs. And everyone loves a hugger. There’s nothing like a hug for getting right up on someone.

You get the drift here. You seem like a creative person, being involved in the theatre and all, so I bet you can come up with your own ways of having feelings OF this guy.

At the end of the day, when you have feelings FOR someone, eventually you just have to commit yourself to having those feelings for just the one person, which can get old. When you have feelings OF someone, well, you can keep having feelings OF that someone and also get a lot of feelings of other “someone”s at the same time. There’s no need to tie yourself to having feelings OF just one person.

You will have a lot more fun and be way less confused.

All the best!