How to buy the best flashlight?

Chris:

Well, I guess first you want to really make sure that you adhere to due diligence and do your research. Though it is a product that is only a few years old, there are a variety of different types these days and the selection can be overwhelming.

You need to start with the main question: Which one is right for me? Seems like a simple enough question but you have to remember that we, as humans, are a fickle bunch and can sometimes not know our own desires. Do you want to go with one that has a dark flesh tone? Light flesh? Perhaps you want one that is based upon an actual known star such as Jenna Haze. This can give it that slightly more personal experience.

On top of that you have all the options of the various different body parts now. Sure…your base model is always going to be a classic, but perhaps you want something that fits a little tighter. There are models that are well equipped to accommodate you now. These can bring that extra little spice you might have been looking for.

Your research really shouldn’t end there though…maintenance can be an issue. Be sure to check out the best lubes to useas well as proper cleaning practices before purchasing. You don’t want to get something that is going to end up being a hassle in the long run. This is supposed to be something that is fun…not a chore to do. Also, make sure that you have made your choice before you even enter that store, remember…trying out the merchandise before purchasing is severely frowned upon.

I hope that I was able to offer some help and here’s hoping that you can pick the Fleshlight that is right for you!

Oh wait. I just re-read the question.

Can’t you just use your cell phone like everyone else?

Geoff:

I’ve been thinking a lot about cats recently. I mean, how cool are they? They are the vampires of the pet-animal kingdom, with all the style, smoothness and seemingly infinite life span. They appear wherever   they want, jump 10 times their standing height and can peer to the very depths of your soul. They are also self-sufficient for the most part, which is a bonus if you have commitment problems.

This is, of course, in complete opposition to the zombie of the pet-animal world: the dog. Canines are driven by one instinct and one instinct only: to feed. They will do just about anything to fuck you out of whatever it is that you are trying to ingest. In fact, in a recent survey I made up for this paragraph, 95% of dogs’ thoughts end in “…. and then I can get their food”. This is a dog in a nutshell.

I’ve often wondered what would happen if a vampire got bitten by a zombie. They are two totally different breeds of creature that procreate through some sort of fluid exchange. I’d like to think that the blind ambition of the zombie would feed into the smooth, beautiful vampiric lifestyle, but my guess is a Dick Clark post-stroke confused creature is closer to the mark.

What does this have to do with flashlights? Absolutely nothing, which is what you’re going to see if you buy a shitty flashlight. Don’t be cheap. Buy a Maglite, so when you’re running from zombie-vampire Dick Clark through an alley on New Years Rockin’ Eve you won’t have to pause to smack your flashlight on your palm to get it to turn back on.

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