How do I tell if my boyfriend is cheating on me?
Kathy: Scan him with a black light.
Geoff: make sure you actually have a boyfriend, then consult a Ouija board.
Chris: Does he always want to be the banker in Monopoly? He’s cheating.
Lauren
Geoff:
The easy answer here is that you should probably just do your own laundry, which will not only cut your weird uncle out of the picture, it will also establish your independence from your mom. The Your Stupid Advice team doesn’t want to let a simple answer get in the way of a great answer though, so let’s dive into this. Continue reading
Chris:
Well, I’m happy to tell you that you have come to the right place for advice. I have had this news broken to me in just about every conceivable way so far (the most inventive being the conveying of the message through the use of semaphore flags whilst being serenaded by a Mariachi Band. It is impossible to be depressed when there is a Mariachi Band playing. Try it sometime. Seriously. You’d be surprised how easy it is to find a Mariachi Band on Craigslist. Just be careful in your ad. That is a scenario that can take a dangerous and erotic turn quite quickly.) Continue reading
Do you allow shoes in your house? I am moving into a new house with very light colored carpeting and want to keep it clean. I have never lived in a house that has a rule to remove shoes at the door and want to know how to start. What do you do with guests and friends?
Chris:
You have asked an excellent question, my friend, and since I have about three minutes of deep thought to put into this answer before my dinner is finished reheating in the microwave, I am here to help!
Stupid Advice people, I understand that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But what should I do if I have two birds in my hand and there’s a squirrel in the bush? Please answer quickly as this is happening to me right now. I typed this on my phone with one hand and I’m very scared of squirrels.
Geoff:
This is a simple question of economics. The value of any given bird is based upon the limited number of available birds as a whole.The more birds there are, the less each bird is actually worth. If you have 2 birds in your hand, and there are none in the bush, then the birds’ value is going to rise infinitely. In a large scale economy, we would need to count the bushes and birds in the bushes but for our purposes here that’s irrelevant.
Now let’s talk about the squirrel. The squirrel is clearly a foreign currency. The bird price is based on the avian market and the squirrel price is based on the mammal market. This is where things get tricky, because one squirrel is actually worth about 15 birds when the market is down, like it is today.
So, to do the math, two birds in your hand with none in the bush means that the birds are infinitely valuable but since there is only one squirrel in the bush and that squirrel is not in anyone’s hand, the squirrel is worth infinity times 15, which is way higher than regular old infinity times 1.
That’s not the real question here. You’ve posed a question about economics, but there’s a deeper, more personal question that you haven’t come out and asked us. On the surface you have given us a question about avian currency and economics structures but what I think you really want to know is:
Why are you afraid of Squirrels?
For you to be terrified of a squirrel tells me that you yourself might be, or are related to, a great evil. Based on this knowledge, and the fact that I happen to be a certified online black belt in battle church, I think that we should never meet, as I will be forced to exorcise you on the spot. That means I will douse you with holy water and beat your wet head in with a Bible until you accept squirrels into your heart.
My best advice to you is to avoid me, because no matter how much the birds in your hands are worth, I can and will perform a kung fu themed exorcism on you.
No need to thank me!
Your Stupid Advice 