Sometimes you don’t need 500 words to give bad advice.
How do I tell if my boyfriend is cheating on me?
Kathy: Scan him with a black light.
Geoff: make sure you actually have a boyfriend, then consult a Ouija board.
Chris: Does he always want to be the banker in Monopoly? He’s cheating.
What wine goes best with an alfredo sauce?
Kathy: Free wine goes great with everything.
Geoff: No one likes whine with Italian. Try french.
Chris: I try to colour coordinate the label from the can of alfredo sauce and the label from the box of wine.
Is it wrong to cheat on my taxes?
Kathy: Why are you paying taxes?
Geoff: Cheating is bad, but if you’re going to do it use protection.
Chris: The plural for “tack” is actually “tacks.”
How do I get my dog to stop drinking from the toilet?
Kathy: Get him hooked on beer.
Geoff: Remove your bathroom.
Chris: You know those blue tablets you put in the toilet to keep it clean? Replace them with fire.
What do I do about my tattoo of a wolf howling at the moon?
K: Have the question “What was I thinking?” tattooed under it.
G: What don’t you do? Sounds like a free pass to any Whitesnake reunion tour to me.
C: Lie down in bed and wait to die. You’ve already lived life to the fullest.
My friend wishes she lived in Albuquerque. What do I tell her?
K: You should tell her to only live in places no one can spell if you never want to receive another piece of mail ever again. If she hates mail…let her go.
G: Get a new friend who doesn’t have any wishes or dreams left.
C: Let your shovel do the talking.
My mom won the lottery and now she won’t talk to me. What can I do?
K: Keep drinking and add some kind of stimulant drug.
G: Win the lotto yourself for twice as much, hire Gloria Allred and don’t stop suing your mom until she’s out of money.
C: Sounds like you might have actually won the lottery as well.
I know all we are is dust in the wind, but what if someone gets a Dyson?
K: You just have to be able to run faster than the dust particle next to you.
G: Then you’re just dust in a vacuum.
C: I’m not answering this question until I get $10 from Dyson.
I have 99 red balloons. Any advice?
K: See if you can exchange them for luftballons.
G: Grow up, Pedobear.
C: Expect a call from Nena’s lawyers.
My cat looks like Hitler. What should I do?
K: Watch your back.
G: Convert to Judaism and then relentlessly succeed at everything while giving him the same boring food every day.
C: Keep him away from the oven.
My girlfriend wants to get a dog. I really don’t like dogs. How can I tell my girlfriend I don’t like dogs without making her hate me?
K: Just change girlfriends.
G: Tell your girlfriend she is a dog, so she already has a dog. Then find a new girlfriend.
C: Drive her new dog into the woods, accidentally lose it, then drive your girlfriend into a different set of woods and accidentally lose her.