Monthly Archives: November 2011

Does it mean anything if you catch a girl staring at you a lot?

just noticed i catch her eyes looking at me quite a bit every time we go to class, idk if its just random or if its me looking at her or
what..But we do make eye contact quite a bit but never speak.


Great question. We should start by breaking down exactly what it is you said there. The most important part of that question is, as you so eloquently put it; “idk if its just random or if its me looking at her or what.” The answer is, no. It’s not just random. You’ve got her in the palm of your hand.

You see, when you started staring at her, she may not even have noticed you at all. As your classes went on, she started noticing your gaze burning into the back of her head. She knew she was being watched like a yearling gazelle by a hungry cheetah, and it inspired feelings in her that she never knew she had. Now before you get all excited, you need to realize what it is you’re dealing with here. This doesn’t mean you should go walk up and say hi, or offer to buy her lunch. It doesn’t mean you’ve got a shot at taking her to a school dance or your friend’s keg party. You, my friend, have perfect stalker form and this girl is going crazy for it.

There are a few minor changes you’re going to need to make to your lifestyle if you really want to get her attention. She may seem like a normal, well-adjusted girl making some friendly eye contact across the room, but believe me, she’s testing you. She’s baiting you to see if you’ll crack a sweet smile, repulsing her, or if you’ll lock into a full-on nightmare gaze, sending electric shivers down her spine.

#1: Eye Contact

More. Lots more. You should only ever be taking your eyes off her for important class notes, though it is preferred to copy a friend’s notes after class, as diligently doing schoolwork may tarnish your image as a lurking super-stud. Chewing pencils however, is spot on! Keep your line of sight directly on her at all possible times. When she does look back at you, tense your shoulders up and attempt to twitch your left eyebrow fervently. (Practice in front of a mirror a few times before trying this move out!)

#2: Daily Planning

Let’s face it. As things are right now, you get one, two hours tops with this girl. You may feel like that’s enough but if you want to keep this little lady, you’ve got to be more flexible with your schedule. The hours that she spends outside of this class and away from you are painful for her, believe me. Nothing short of a living hell. Solve this by doing some simple footwork and learning her agenda. Most things should be easy to find out if you steal her day planner, photocopy it and return it to her bag. (Bonus points if you misted it with a hint of your favorite cologne!) This way, you’ll be able to make that same wonderful eye contact from her band practice, friend’s backyard swimming pool, or even from her bedroom closet late at night when she’s being coy and pretending to sleep. Women love a man who can be everywhere at once, and you have the power to make that dream come true.

#3: Wardrobe Choices

If you’re a typical student, you probably wear the same sort of fashions as most of your friends. I don’t blame you at all but if you really want to stand out to her, you’re going to need to invest in a good pair of thick, rainbow suspenders. Not only do they keep your pants up like a dream, but they’ll grab her attention and grip it tighter by the minute. She won’t be able to take her eyes off of you. Then, and only then, you will lean forward, fire up that eyebrow, and calmly mouth the words “You looked like you had fun at the Seether concert last Wednesday.” For best effect, this staggeringly powerful combo should be done while wearing beige-tinted prescription eyeglasses.

Follow this triple-play strategy and you can take things to the next level with this special lady. Girls are people just like you and me, and they want nothing more than to feel the omniscient presence of your undying obsession. Good luck, creep.

Sean is a Canadian icon of being a slightly good at many different things. These moderately useful skills have earned him such recognition as “That nice fellow who held the door for me at Starbucks” and “The guy with the black hair who tips well at sushi restaurants.” Sean lives at home in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan with a small wooden horse that has not yet been named. The accounts of his madness can be witnessed firsthand at

Why does my TV randomly turn off?

Hello. I have an LG 50PK550 plasma that I received used about 2 months ago. Everything was going fine, until just a few days ago the TV started turning off without warning while in use. Any Advice on how to make it stay on?


I’ve watched enough movies to be an expert on this type of problem. In my experience, this is a very simple problem with a simple solution. The fact of the matter is that there is nothing at all wrong with your TV, there’s something very wrong with you.

After extensive research on the subject (meaning I watched the Paranormal Activity trilogy back-to-back), you have a classic case of the haunties. Somewhere in your distant past, one of your ancestors sold their soul to a demon for their generation’s version of an iPhone 4S.

And now you have to pay the price.

Sure, now it’s a TV, but next week it’s a TV and your dog barking at something invisible across the room. Then it’s all of those things plus the stove turning on and pots falling from the rack. By this time next year you are going to be living in an anti-gravity war zone with everything just floating around the house like a giant snow globe.

A lot of people would go out and hire a spooky religious nut or some Spanish speaking person who knows their way around a stick of sage. Not you though, not you. You came to a place where you can get real answers and I will not let you down.

There are two ways to handle this, both described below:

1) Build a time machine and go back to whoever traded your family’s name for a crossbow or fire. Of course this will take a while but hey, you are now in possession of a TIME MACHINE…You can literally manufacture time!

2) Set yourself on fire.

The last one seems drastic and, besides, you’ll just be passing the evil demon energy on to the next person in your family anyway, but at least you won’t have to deal with it. If you survive, the demon will probably respect you a lot more any way. You might even make friends with it and go on evil demon dates where you do dark arts on innocent bystanders.

Take a moment to imagine how cool it would be to have a demon sidekick.

No need to thank me.

Olive oil treatment for hair?

Olive oil treatment for hair? I wanna do the treatment,cause my friend does it.  I just wanna know how to do it,and what benefits it does for your hair,like what does it do to your hair. i know that it makes it more healthy but what else? and how to do it, can someone please help me?


As you may know, olive oil has been prized for centuries for its miriad uses from oiling olives to facilitating female bonding in kiddie pools. Your friend has obviously discovered that it also works miracles when applied to hair.

The treatment itself is very simple. First, shave your head. Collect the trimmings in a sturdy stock pot. Then select a high-quality oil. We do not recommend the extra virgin variety unless you are a nun or a Star Trek fan. A good olive oil will have a cartoon of a fat, Italian chef who looks vaguely like Super Mario on the label. Add three cups of oil to the pot, four cloves of garlic, salt, pepper and the still-beating heart of your enemy (optional). Simmer on low for 4-5 days. Then pour the mixture onto your scalp and wrap in plastic. The tingling means it’s working! Or you didn’t let it cool and now have 3rd degree scalp burns. Now, spin around three times, stare into a mirror and say, “I’m a fucking idiot.” Make sure to enunciate.

You’re almost there! At that point, remove the mixture from your head. Shower. Get dressed, and then enroll in a class that teaches basic grammar and spelling. You can find one at any community college. By the time you pass the class (for you, this may include repeating it several times) your cue ball melon head should look like a well cared for, 3-week-old Chia Pet. The new growth will be lustrous and shiny like steel wool.

The benefits of this treatment should become clear almost immediately. First of all, you’ll find out who your real friends are (if you had any). In addition, some people will think you are a cancer victim and give you free stuff.

I sincerely hope this helps. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of reading Snooki’s book and blowing truckers in rest area bathrooms to write in.

Shari VanderWerf is a stand-up comedian and writer from Boston, MA. If it’s true that life begins at 40, she’s the filthiest five-year-old you’ve ever met. Listed among the Top 50 funny people on Twitter as ranked by, Shari was also recommended to readers by The Huffington Post. Her humor can be enjoyed daily through her Twitter feed at or catching her performances at comedy clubs across the U.S. For more information, please go to

Exactly what would be the best method in kidnapping Ryan Reynolds to be my sex slave?



Well…I don’t want to give the impression that I’m an expert in kidnapping or endorse it in any way, but I do have quite an extensive collection of hobos who I have living out in the pump house behind the vegetable garden. My years of gathering them has afforded me an insight that I feel could be quite helpful with your problem.

The big trick once you’ve identified your target is determining what it is that could easily be used as bait. Wait…let’s change that. Let’s say ‘enticement focus.’ Now, for my hobby, I prefer to use a solid titanium shopping cart. It is shiny, it is durable, and it can hold a hell of a lot of stuff. I can’t imagine that this will work on Ryan Reynolds though. He probably can afford his own shopping carts by this point. For him…you need to try to think what it is that he WOULD want.

Being a fellow Canadian, he is part of our commune, and therefore I have access to a detailed list of his hopes and dreams and his preferred objects of enticement focus. If possible, try to get hold of as many of the following items as possible:
1.    Men’s low rise jeans.
2.    Year supply of lean chicken breasts.
3.    Scripts for huge movies that will probably tank but have a loveable and quirky character who seems to always have amazing chemistry with any living creature within a 50’ radius.
4.    Combination shampoo/conditioner for extra volume.
5.    Fitted t-shirts.
6.    Beard trimmer.

Once you have these items, it is a mere matter of stalking and patience. I suggest camping outside of gyms and attractive people stores (What? They’re a thing…I go to them all the time). Leave these things in a big pile, but try your best to keep any cages or nets out of sight. If you absolutely have no choice and need to keep these things visible don’t worry too much. Keep the meat on top and he probably won’t even notice.

Once you have him in your clutches, you’re going to want to find a warm safe place to keep him. Make sure that he has access to sunlight and weights. He’s going to want to feel at home and that he’s in a safe, warm place. Find more scripts to keep him occupied and ask him about his abs whenever possible. Get him to talk about his memories of “2 Guys A Girl And A Pizza Place” (see if he can get hold of episodes for me and maybe give me a reason why it isn’t on DVD yet).

As for the sexening…well this is venturing into territory that I am unfamiliar with. I rarely have sex with my hobos. They have a tendency to try to steal my boots. Maybe let him know that you have boobs? That should probably work. Guys like boobs.
Best of luck to you!

How do I stop my cats from having having angry intercourse at night?

I can’t sleep.

Ah, nocturnal felinication. I know it well. Keeping cats from having sex at night is a difficult task. I tried what my parents did to my lady partners when I was younger and showed slides of them when they were kittens and told embarrassing stories of them urinating in wicker baskets, to no avail.

I have also tried lowering their libidos by showing the new MTV show “4 and Pregnant,” featuring an all feline cast. These females should realize that after they drop their litters, the male cat is just going to go lay around, not get a job and lick his own testicles.

If it’s only angry intercourse that you’re trying to avoid, perhaps you should look into enticing your cats into being more gentle lovers. Try filling your home at night with the gentle sounds of Michael Bolton, Kenny G, or Lionel Ritche. Cats love that shit and it’s easy to fall asleep to for humans. However, if you don’t own any music by these artists, I strongly advise you stay away from any hipster crap. Nobody wants indie-hipster cats. Trust me, nobody. You’re looking for gentle cat sex, not awkward cat sex. That’s even louder.

But, if you’re looking to stop it all together – and I mean a full blown halt to feline relations entirely – there is but one solution. It’s an alternative taken by the most desperate cat owners. It’s a step that strikes fear in the hearts of both cats and dogs alike. It’s the iron-clad kitty prophylactic.

Photographs of Bob Barker.

Think about it. The very face of Bob Barker is the opposite of sexy to animals around the globe. Every time they see him, they think about anything but sex. They think of all the snipping that he initiated with his skinny microphone reminders day in and day out. It’s a kitty coitus mouse trap.

Best of luck to those who look to end your restless nights filled with the trailer park antics of your animals. I hope my advice proves helpful and insightful.

At least until cat beds have padded headboards.

Jeremy Bingaman
Radio “personality” and cat whisperer
Twitter: @iowaradioguy

Dear Your Stupid Advice Peeps,

I work with this chick who ALWAYS turns a conversation into something about her hobby and I’m sick of it. She’s even tricked me into watching a 10 minute clip about it. IT’S NOT INTERESTING! How do I tell her that hearing about her dress up like it’s the 1600’s (or whatever century the Elizabethan era was in) and having some other geek “fight” for her isn’t as interesting as she thinks it is AND it’s not okay to talk to your average person about it because we DON’T CARE!

HELP ME before she convinces me to join.



I totally empathize with you on this one. There’s this guy who I work with who always interrupts our important team building exercise of gossiping about the person who just left the room. He always suggests we go talk to customers. Customers? Really???

Work is a place where we should be able to express our insecurities by criticizing everyone around us while doing as little actual work as possible. Having to stop because someone wants us to talk to stupid customers is stupid. So basically, I totally get the “having to listen to stuff you don’t want to” thing.

There’s no reason for you to be exposed to anyone else’s personal life at work. If you really gave a shit about her you would have asked her to go out for dinner months ago. Since you clearly have nothing in common with Ethel (that’s what I’ve named her in my head) you should not have to deal with her weird little hobbies.

So what do you do?

Sometimes when I’m cruising the seedy underbelly of the Internet, I come across some very strange things like flaming trapeze midget sex, unicorns doing things with that horn that no unicorn should do and Herman Cain. In the past, I have just accepted these very strange things and moved on, but now I know that they were brought to me to answer your question for you.

I have a one word answer for your situation:


Ok, I guess I need to explain with more words.

You will become a passionate, panda suit wearing, sex bomb and you will be so full of joy with your new hobby that you can hardly contain yourself. Every time Ethel brings up her strange obsession with medieval garb, simply interrupt her and tell her about how you mounted Yogi Bear last night and gave him a pic-a-nic basket he’ll never forget.

Tell her about Bugs Bunny and where you put that carrot.

Tell her about how you choked out a Chocobo and hot waxed a wolverine.

Go into graphic, disturbing detail. Log on to her work computer and look up some videos. Make sure you are on her computer because you might get lucky and get her fired for looking up furry porn videos. Find the raunchiest one you can find and tell her that it’s you. Point excitedly at the screen and tell her how difficult the positions were to pull off.




Either she’ll quit from being disgusted, get fired for looking up porn on her computer, or never talk to you again. Either way it’s a win for you. I predict you’ll get a couple of mouthed thank yous from the rest of the staff as well because you are not the only one being annoyed by Ethel.

Ok, Here’s a Physics question for you guys, in two parts. How do I answer the following problem?

You stand on the seat of a chair and then hop off.

(a) During the time you are in flight down to the floor, the Earth is lurching up toward you with an acceleration a. What is the value of a? Visualize the Earth as a perfectly solid object.

If the seat of the chair is 33 cm off the floor, how far does the Earth move while you are falling?


It’s not Your Stupid Advice’s job to do your physics homework for you, we’re more of an advice column for people who need, well, advice. That said, I think there are some very basic physics lessons that you missed that will help you with this problem, so let’s go ahead and answer this one.

First of all, Newton proved once and for all that objects with different mass will travel to Earth at different speeds. So if I weigh 135 pounds, I will arrive at the earth 32% slower than someone who weighs 190 pounds. This is a basic scientific fact.

Second, I agree that it should be called a flight even though it’s very, very short but saying the Earth is lurching towards you is ridiculous. It’s more of an outright attack on you. The Earth hates when people escape and she will come after you, with a vengeance paralleled only by Michael Myers on Halloween, should you do something to remove yourself from contact. This is also a scientific fact.

Third, the earth is 71.11 percent water, so visualizing the planet as a perfectly solid object is really dumb. This is a fact and then a critical judgement on your mental acuity.

Fourth, 33 centimeters is 12 inches. Where are you going to find a 12 inch chair to jump off of? Hobbiton? I’ve stepped off of curbs higher than 12 inches. If you were to jump off a 33cm chair the earth wouldn’t even know enough to be pissed at you for leaving (see point 2).

Clearly your physics teacher has no idea what he’s talking about. You need to take the points above and write a letter to him to let him know how far off he really is about science. Make sure you remind him that the theory of gravity is just a theory. Also, bring an IKEA catalog with you to show proper measurements for a chair.

After you do that, just sit back and wait for your A. You deserve it.


In an effort to solve this problem I turned to physical experimentation. This is a difficult procedure, because you must remember that at all times, we are hurtling through space at a ridiculous speed. When you take into account the Earth’s rotation, the movement around the sun, the sun’s movement through the galaxy and our spinning across the universe, we are travelling at an estimated speed of 2142720km/h. Once I realized this I had to go have a lie down for awhile. This was unsettling. That is too fast and it makes me queasy.

After a few hours and a light snack, I decided to once again tackle this problem. After I played Batman Arkham City for awhile. Damn that game is good. Seriously, have you tried it? A few hours and you won’t give a damn about physics anymore. I am a professional though and I chose to man up and answer this stupid question so I could get on with the important things in my life.

So…in order to take that pesky speed into account, I chose to represent it as simply R, where R stands for Really Mindbogglingly Fast. The distance from Point A (me) and Point B (Earth) is relatively simple as you have already established this in your question. It is simply 33cm. This constant shall be represented by 33. Since it is a number and already represents what it is (why complicate things?). Let’s hold on to these symbols and we can slot them into our formula later.

We’re moving right along here aren’t we? Ok. We need to establish my moving speed now. I unfortunately suffer from a genetic glandular disorder which causes me to reach terminal velocity almost immediately. This can be problematic and causes me to reach speeds of about 90m/s pretty much instantaneously. If the the chair is .33m tall, this means that it takes me only .22 seconds to crash into the ground with an impact force of 32658.62 N.

With all of these components in mind I stepped aboard the chair to gather some good old hard data. Unfortunately, when I fell, the high speeds and crushing force caused me to shatter my left leg. Currently, I am hospitalized and it looks like it is going to be a long and grueling road to recovery.

I have not answered your question.

I am in immense pain.

I hope you are satisfied with yourself.

You and physics are both assholes and you deserve each other.

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Nlnln;;nj;n;kn;nnj nkj.kkkliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii?



I’m glad that I happened to be sitting in front of the computer when this question came in. The fact of the matter is, anyone who has ever taken LSD, gotten so drunk they couldn’t walk or hit their head really, really hard has asked this same question. You, brave writer of the unknown language of the fucked, had the balls to write it down and I applaud you.

The only problem is that I’m not tripping, I don’t drink and I avoid banging my head on anything unless the only other option is to watch Glee. This leaves me in a little bit of a bind because I want to help you, but you haven’t helped me help you. I’m going to have to read between the line to find out what you really want to know.

“Why does Steve Miller think that flying like an eagle to the sea will answer any problems other than the eagle’s immediate hunger needs?”.

While this is a great question, one that a lot of people would like to know the answer to, it’s not really advice as much as an explanation of art, which is not my forte. I’m not sure Steve Miller himself, the master of such gems like “time keeps on slipping into the future” and “Lovey dovey, lovey dovey, lovey dovey all the time” could articulate what he meant by this, and neither can I.

What possible explanation could he give, anyway? It would probably be like those last few episodes of Lost where they tried to explain everything like a two year old making up a story on the spot. There really isn’t anything you can say about an eagle flying to the sea to tie it to putting shoes on some kid’s feet without sounding like a complete asshole.

As an aside, I don’t think two year old kids sound like assholes when they are making stories up. They just sound stupid. Kids really can’t be assholes until they are about 5. If you looked at a three year old and thought “what an asshole,” you’re probably the asshole.

Anyway, I looked it up, Steve Miller’s album sold 13 million copies. That means, after sobering up, 12 million people put this album on and thought to themselves “what the fuck is this shit???” and threw it away. The other million was split evenly between wedding DJs and Southerns. I’m pretty sure that there are some hillbillies down there in Alabama who still think Steve Miller is the second coming of Hank Williams.

At the end of the day, the only thing Steve Miller did was add waste to landfills and bring headaches to wedding attendees.You may be asking yourself how this is advice right now. I’m getting there. Clearly, my advice to you is to always have Advil on hand at weddings. Because of Steve Fucking Miller.


Nlnln;;nj;n;kn;nnj nkj.kkkliiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii?

I google translated this question and I actually agree with Geoff’s analysis of its true meaning.

Actually, that’s not right. Really I did better than Google. I put on a pair of 3D glasses, held it in front of a mirror and recited Klaatu Barada Keanu and the true question was revealed to me.

“Why does Steve Miller think that flying like an eagle to the sea will answer any problems other than the eagle’s immediate hunger needs?”

Again, I really think Geoff hit the nail on the head with this one. He’s really not that handy with tools, but this is clearly not a request for advice. Of course, that won’t stop me any more than it stopped my fellow advicinator. I am wisdomous and I must share my gift.

My advice to you is to stop worrying about what Steve Miller thinks.

For one, Steve Miller is so over. Seriously, check your collar and the hem of your jeans. Small and small. Live in the now.

For two, who is that guy really? Ok, so there’s a Steve Miller Band, but do we ever really get to see this Steve Miller character? Maybe sometimes he hangs out with that Jethro Tull guy and his buddy Lynyrd Skynyrd.

No. It’s all smoke and mirrors. Bells and whistles. Ebony and ivory. Chutes and ladders. The truth is…

There is no Steve Miller.

You can have your Santa Claus and your Easter Bunny and your Tooth Fairy and your Banking Code of Ethics Commission, but you cannot make me believe there is a Steve Miller.

This is a manufactured marketing ploy created by some sadist who was trying to make us call ourselves “Maurice” and take the money and run.

So stop caring what Steve Miller thinks about eagles, or the Eagles (it’s not clear whether or not the song refers to Eric Clapton), or the sea or even being hungry. Steve Miller doesn’t think anything because there is no Steve Miller.

Oh. Wait. I just checked. It turns out there is a Steve Miller.

Never mind.

Carry on.

All the best!

(Wait a minute. Does that mean there’s a Dave Matthews too?)

Getting a guy to kiss or makeout with you?

So this kid i’ve known for so long is 2 years older than me. I saw him at the first football game of the season and we talked. I reallly want to kiss him or maybe makeout with him soooooooooo bad. But i dont want to make the first move. The next home football game is in 2 weeks, how can i get him to kiss me then?!?!?!?! Also, i don’t like him, i just think he is really hot.

Horny teenage girl


Bridget Moynahan, is that you?  Oh sweetie, Tom Brady is with Gisele now and yeah he may be kinda hot, but that haircut isn’t doing him any favors… let him go.

Oh, just saw that 2 years older part, sorry about that, I’m back on track now.  First off, good on you for not wasting your time on the annoying superficial qualities like intelligence or a sense of humor.  I know girls say that’s what they want in a guy, but girls also say they were “so busy they forgot to eat anything” and as far as I know, a pint of chunky monkey in the back seat of your car using the lid as a shovel spoon counts.  In other words, girls lie.  But not you.  That’s something that might handicap you later in life, actually (practice smiling in a mirror now and repeating “no, you’re totally right, boss”), but for now, your honesty is only helping.

So now let me be honest with you.

How do you get a boy to notice you?

It’s a multi-step process, but I promise you this, it’s not hard.  Here you go:

First off, there’s a magic not-so-secret that you’ll need to learn very soon: boys like boobs.  Doesn’t matter if you’re a “D” or an “A” or a “Z” or some Greek letter, your cup size aside, there’s some man out there who thinks what you have is perfect and that man is right, it is.  Invest now in a tight v-neck, a good bra and practice the shoulders back, chin down, eyes up, lip pout.  This move is a girl’s gold card, it’ll get you anything you want.

Now then, dressed as per above, you’re off to the races, or the football races, or whatever it’s called.

Step 1: Ignore him.  Know how you want to kiss him soooooooooo bad?  Take it down a couple hundred “o’s.”  Instead of gushing about how much you liked that last Facebook pic he posted of his dog wearing a whipped cream hat and sitting on his brother’s skateboard, try hesitating for a moment like you might have just forgotten his name.

Step 2: Find some other boys, make them hang around you, laugh.  There’s a reason that whole “thou shalt not covet your neighbors’ stuff” thing is in the bible and, say, “thou shalt not buy tickets to a live acid jazz concert” is not.  We’re only told not to do the things we almost can’t help but do.  If a bunch of boys want you, chances are, he’s going to wonder if there’s something about you he should have been noticing himself.

Step 3: Once you’ve got his attention with your sparkling disinterest, throw the poor boy a bone.  Smile at him, then look away.  If you’re near him, tell him it’s cold and grab his hat, or scarf.  Giggle.

Step 4: A little more ignoring.

Step 5: Find an excuse to get him alone.  You forgot something in the car, can he help?  You need him to show you where the concession stand is.  Hey, wonder what’s under these bleachers?

Step 6: Profit.

Congratulations.  Now that you’ve mastered getting a boy interested in you, I only ask that you use this skill for good: world peace, free drinks and if you can swing it, an occasional vacation home or stock option. A girl’s gotta get hers.

Maura is an Olympic medalist eye-roller, who once spent an awkward afternoon explaining to Lionel Ritchie that no, it wasn’t him she was looking for, it was her neighbor’s cat who ran out when she was petsitting, but if Lionel wanted to go halfsies on a bucket of cheese fries, she could be persuaded to change her mind. Follow her on twitter at @behindyourback and follow her in real life in Los Angeles where she lives.