Monthly Archives: September 2011

I don’t have any Frenemies. How can I make some?

I read Dale Carnegie’s book but it didn’t help. Any suggestions? -Jay Sullivan

Kathy: 
In this modern world of DIY, it’s good to see that you are interested in making your own Frenemies. And, fortunately, I don’t think it can be that difficult for anyone to make Frenemies, since dingbats like Paris Hilton and Snooki seem to be able to do it quite easily.

That being said, you’ve come to the right place.

First, you should decide what kind of Frenemies you want to make. The type of Frenemies you want to make can be a very personal choice, based entirely on taste. The good news is that there are tons of scrumptious kinds of Frenemies and you just have to decide which kind seems the best for you.

I like to search the worldwide web for different kinds of Frenemies to make and then decide what I can do, based on what I already have on hand. Although, from what I can tell, you will probably find that there are a few things you will need to have no matter what kind of Frenemies you want to make (like, 2 pounds of hair extensions, a pinch of trust fund, one very large purse and a dash of one of those creepy baby-talk voices no adult should have), so check to see if you have those first.

Now, before you get started, I really think you need to make sure you have the proper equipment. Being improperly equipped for any project can spell disaster.

Ok, I just wrote it all out on a piece of paper, and it doesn’t actually spell “disaster,” but it’s something I’ve heard, so maybe I’m just doing it wrong.

Anyway, don’t just rush in and start making. You have to be well-prepared to make the Frenemies. You need the right materials and a sufficient amount of space. For example, when first made, Frenemies are usually very hot. You have to have plenty of space where they can cool down.

Also, before you get started making the Frenemies, you may want to determine what you’re going to do with the Frenemies once they’re made. A lot of times, the making of Frenemies yields more than just one, so you’ll have an excess and you may not want to keep all of them for yourself.

Plus, it’s just nice to share the Frenemies you make. When I make Frenemies, I like to share them with my neighbors. They always seem to be happy to see me crossing the street with a fresh batch of Frenemies.

And finally, I believe the key to making good Frenemies is to be creative, experiment, take risks and just have fun. And don’t forget to add the love! I bet once you make some Frenemies, you’ll really enjoy them and want to do it again right away.

If you do make some Frenemies, let us know how it goes and maybe send some pics.

All the best!

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Why is my car coughing up hair?

I just pulled about 10 feet of hair out of my tailpipe. At first I thought something just got stuck when I saw a piece of black hairy material hanging out of it, and so I pulled it out and that was that. But the following day, I saw it again! It almost seemed like someone stuffed a black wig into my muffler! And that time, when I pulled it out, I yanked about 10 feet of it out. What is wrong with my car?? Why is it spitting hair out?

– Eartha

Geoff:

It must have been a shocking experience to pull that out of your tailpipe. It’s remarkable that you even look at your tailpipe often enough to have noticed this. I’m pretty sure I would have driven around with what looked like a black rat tail for days or weeks before noticing something awry with my tailpipe.

While it must have been a shocking occurrence to you to have a hair-like substance coming out of your car, I assure you that it’s not completely unheard of. There have been a few cases around major cities of this happening. I’d be willing to bet two events were occurring simultaneously during the time period of this incident:

1)Cher was between farewell tours.

2)There were horrible, muffled, top 40 love songs coming faintly to you from inside the engine compartment.

The fact of the matter is, you have Cher stuck in your exhaust pipe. Cher has been known to climb into people’s exhaust systems and hibernate in between farewell tours. The number 2 reason for people finding black, hair-like substances in their mufflers is Cherbernation. The only more common reason is Auto-Dysphoria, in which automobiles express their individuality by attempting to do things they weren’t designed to do, like, say, wig making.

When you pulled the first piece of hair out, it was her show wig. Like anyone in show business, she came prepared with a backup, just in case. The second one you pulled out was the backup. So now Cher is stuck in your engine mortally embarrassed to come out because you took her wigs and God only knows what she looks like without a wig.

Much like Frodo and the Ring of Power, you have a choice to make. If Cher is ever reunited with her wig she will come back out of retirement and poison all of our ears with an endless crooning of “Turn Back Time” and “Believe”. This can’t happen. Only you stand between a world with tolerable music and a world where Cher is turning back time simply to fix her love life.

Your choice.


Find the angle between vector A and B, answer in unit of degrees?

The vectors are A=-3i+3j and B=5i+2j. Crossed together the equal 21 so I used ABsin(theta)=AxB. But I don’t get the right answer from what my homework is telling me? And help would be appreciated and quick its due in the morning!! Thanks in Advance!

Geoff:

The question you should be asking yourself is: Why do I give a shit? Unless you plan on being a math teacher when you grow up (NOT a life goal I hear often), the first time you have to deal with this type of stuff is the last time you have to deal with this type of stuff. Trust me, I’ve been out of school for twelve years and the most math I’ve had to use is figuring out how much change to give someone when they hand me 20.15 to pay for something that cost 1.85.

It’s harder than it sounds.

Anyway, you’re missing the real point here. Math teachers are notoriously unorganized. This is weird because math is a very organized subject. I remember my algebra teacher in high school shuffling in 6 minutes late with breakfast on his shirt and a trail of papers falling out of his bag behind him. The fact of the matter is that if teachers were more responsible for their things, like this lost angle, you wouldn’t have to go and find them all the time.

On the other side, however, he clearly misses his angle and wants it back. I can only assume that in his own math-nerd way this angle is like a little puppy and he’s just not complete without it. Therefore, since you clearly can’t find it on your own, and you need a good grade, here’s my advice to you:

Make a “Lost-Reward” poster, make a cute little drawing of an angle between vectors A and B, and put them up all over town. Hopefully someone has seen it and will bring it home. Angles can be tricky things to find since they like to hang out in corners and under eaves so make sure the reward you’re offering is worth the effort someone will have to put out. Another thing to watch out for are angles that look like your teacher’s angle, but aren’t the same. There are a lot of fakers out there.

Good luck, and may the force be with you.

Chris:
While the above answer is valid, I think it missed the obvious fact that this was a trick question. Really, when you get down to it, math is the universal language that binds everything together. It is the thread that runs through everything around us.

Obviously, the answer your teacher is really looking for is what are the common interests that binds vector A (you) and vector B (me). Actually, A and B are totally irrelevant here. It could just as well be the common angle between ostrich and locomotive…because of that whole universal language and we are all connected thingie I was just talking about.

The answer is really quite simple. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches. All things relate to grilled cheese sandwiches and the best ones have been heated to an internal temperature of 51 degrees Celsius. Ask anyone if they like grilled cheese and they will say “yes”. They will probably also go on to ask you if you happen to have a grilled cheese sandwich on you and if you could give it to them.

Not just people either. Animals. Plants. Inanimate objects (sometimes I stick grilled cheese sandwiches in the gas tank of my car and it is so happy that it refuses to move for a week afterwards). You know…grilled cheese sandwiches are so well loved, that perhaps THEY are the universal language. Grilled Cheese Sandwiches ARE math.

In that case…this question is not a trick question after all. ‘Vector A’ is one piece of bread. ‘Vector B’ is the other piece of bread. Therefore…the angle between them must be ‘cheese’.

Glad to help out. Don’t forget to show your work.


Do you think I have genuine feelings for this guy?

Okay so in drama I have to act as a girl in love with a guy for a play we’re doing but when we’re acting I feel like I don’t need too? I can’t tell whether I’m just in my character or if I have genuine feelings for him? Can anyone help?

Chris:
Well, I myself am an actor and occasionally find myself in such circumstances where I need to try to figure out whether or not I’m playing a part…or if the part is playing me! Just kidding. Parts rarely play people because that doesn’t make sense and I have a certificate here signed by several authorities which states that I no longer believe things that don’t make sense.Over the years, I have compiled a checklist of things to look for in order to determine the realness of what I’m feeling (as a self proclaimed advicist, I retain the right to make up any words that I want to make up…such as ‘realness’).
1. When you follow him home at night and break into his room, how long do you stand there smelling his hair whilst he sleeps? Is it more than 4 hours?
2. When acting out your scenes, and the director tells you it is time to cut, do you find you are throwing yourself bodily at the director and punching his stupid face for ruining the moment?
3. Have you etched his name into your flesh with a coat hanger somewhere that is visible?
4. During the course of a scene, do you shove other people off the stage when they come close to him, even if it isn’t scripted that you do so?If you’ve answered yes to at least three of the questions above, then it is truly real love that you are experiencing and not just fake actor love. In the event that it is real love, really the only rational course of action is to hound him every moment of the day until he realizes he loves you just as much. Sometimes, this requires purchasing a windowless van. Or getting his name tattooed on your hip.

Hope that helps!

Kathy:
Because this type of thing can easily drift into gray areas, I think, rather than try to determine whether or not you have feelings FOR the guy, you should attempt to have feelings OF the guy.This is an endeavor that is much easier to gauge. You will always be able to tell if you have feelings OF a guy.Here’s how to do this. (You can trust me, I feel people up all the time. And most of the time they don’t even know it.)

Whenever you are working with him in a scene, perform all of your blocking very close to him. In fact, just ignore your blocking and stand next to him at all times. You are very likely to touch him, and he you. This will give you more immediate gratification than waiting for him to reciprocate any emotional feelings.

When you enter a room where he already is, sit next to him, only, in your mind, visualize that there is already someone seated next to him so you have to squish in between them, very close to him. Very. Close. It’s even better to try to wait for someone else to actually sit next to him so you don’t have to do the visualization…just the squishing in.

If he enters a room where you already are and comes to sit next to you, quickly, as imperceptibly as possible, put your hand out over the seat he’s about to take so his butt lands on your hand. This is a classic trick that works every time. I get lots of butt action this way.

Constantly be removing phantom things from his hair or batting bugs off of his physical person. “Oh, you had a wasp on your neck. I saved you.” This is always a very socially acceptable reason for touching someone.

Make sure you never laugh at a single joke unless you touch his arm at the same time. Jokes are only funny if arms are being grazed. This is what I have learned from hanging out in singles’ bars.

Bump into him a lot. Klutzy is cute and a convenient way of copping secret, thrilling feels.

Become a hugger. Everyone likes getting hugs. And everyone loves a hugger. There’s nothing like a hug for getting right up on someone.

You get the drift here. You seem like a creative person, being involved in the theatre and all, so I bet you can come up with your own ways of having feelings OF this guy.

At the end of the day, when you have feelings FOR someone, eventually you just have to commit yourself to having those feelings for just the one person, which can get old. When you have feelings OF someone, well, you can keep having feelings OF that someone and also get a lot of feelings of other “someone”s at the same time. There’s no need to tie yourself to having feelings OF just one person.

You will have a lot more fun and be way less confused.

All the best!


What is your opinion about Fujifilm FinePix S1600 Digital camera?

Kathy:

Being the idiot that I am, I’m a huge fan of digital cameras. Back in the olden times, I can’t tell you how many rolls of film I would wait weeks and weeks to get back only to find I had taken 24 pictures of my lens cap.

Lens caps can be artsy, but they really look nothing like the Grand Canyon, the time I met Liberace or the first time my puppy yawned.

Grand Canyon

With a digital camera I can screw up a hundred pictures and still be able to take a hundred more. And I don’t have to wait 2 weeks to find out what a dumbass I am. I can know instantly.

While I’ve never used the Fujifilm FinePix S1600, I bet it’s a pretty good camera. I mean, I really like that Fuji water stuff, so Fujifilm is probably pretty good. I wouldn’t drink it though.

I definitely like the sound of FinePix. I mean, that sounds pretty fine, yes? And imagine how you will look in the photos taken by a camera called FinePix. I’m no technological whiz, but I bet you’ll look damn fiiiiiine. Why else would it be called FinePix? I’m sure it takes Fine Pix. Either that or it’s just a clever name.

The other thing I like about this camera is the number: S1600. Even numbers are good luck. And 1600 is a nice, big number. Who wouldn’t want 1600 of something? Think about how much you’d like to have $1600. See? Good number. I guess you wouldn’t want 1600 bee stings, but I don’t think the camera will have bees in it. You may want to check the package though. Just in case.

Based on those things, I bet it’s a heckuva camera.

But what do I know? I have 17 albums full of pictures of lens caps.

All the best!

Geoff:
I have a strong aversion to any digital camera that has the word “film” in its name. It doesn’t make sense. Why not call it the Fujiflashmemory FinePix? That makes more sense because that’s where the photos are actually being stored. I bought a Fujifilm camera once and took it apart looking for the film. Guess what? It wasn’t there. I’m still working with the warranty department on getting a refund.

Also, why call it “FinePix”? I don’t like a product that tells me how good the product is going to be in its name. Am I too stupid to know a fine pic when I see one? When I tell my friends about the crappy photos this camera takes and they ask what kind it is, I have to tell them it’s a FinePix, thus negating all the bad things I said about it.

I don’t like a misleading names either which is why I refuse to buy a Cannon. Unless it’s going to blow my subject’s head off, I have no interest in shooting a Cannon. Even if I tried to shoot someone with a Cannon, they branded it as a Rebel, so it would probably just turn around and blow *MY* head off instead. Stupid fucking camera.

My opinion is to go with a real, honest camera like a Nikon.


How do I show my boyfriend my tattoo?

It’s a tattoo of his name and I have it on my hip bone. My pants cover it though, and I never thought about how I’d show it to him. I mean, I’d be embarrassed to take my pants off..

Geoff:

Wow, is this ever a good question. Who hasn’t struggled with the old “I tattooed my boyfriend’s name to my hip without him knowing it and I’m not even comfortable enough to take my pants off around him to show it off” issue? I know I have! Anyone in a normal, mature relationship is going to struggle with issues like this so I’m glad that you asked.Just to confirm a few points, do you actually know your boyfriend or is it someone you have seen across the room or in your brain? Does his last name loosely rhyme with “fever” by any chance? Lastly, how many times have you been arrested for stalking?

Please, be honest with yourself. Sometimes getting someone to love you takes effort. You can lead a horse to water, but you can only get it to drink if its only other choice is drowning in its trough. The same can be said for soul mates. Believe me, I know a thing or two about blackmail. Also, the Haddonfield police department and I had a close relationship for a few years. There’s no shame in a criminal record if you did it out of love.

The fact that you tattooed his name to your hip shows that you are committed to the relationship, even if he isn’t. But how do you show him? What you need is a grand gesture. Something that will show him how much you really care. The crescendo of which will, of course, be the unveiling of your tattoo.

Here’s what I’m thinking. He comes home from work and you are there, waiting. Which is already weird, because you don’t have a key to his place. Since I know you and I are on the same page, I’m pretty sure you’ve broken into his place a number of times before to make sure that he’s not cheating on you. Totally rational.

Then, you give him a beer. What guy doesn’t want a beer when he comes home from work? Make sure you hid the package of drugs you slipped into it so he’s not suspicious, you need him to drink the whole thing.

Once he is out, take him to the bedroom and tie him to the bed, naked. Make sure he’s tied tight, because when he wakes up he’s going to mistakenly think that he wants to be somewhere else. Clearly he won’t be thinking straight, that’s OK. He might yell, so have a sock ready to put in his mouth. It might be hard, but remember, you’re doing this FOR him, he’ll understand that eventually.

Depending on the drugs you use, you’ll only have about an hour to set the place up. Since you brought along all of that weird shit I know you have in your place- the red candles, deer, mice and raccoon skulls, your collection of eye photos you’ve tirelessly cut out of magazines, sage, red silk sheets, your multi-volume collection of surveillance photos of your boyfriend’s life- all that stuff, set it up in the room. Then you need to work on the shrine.

The shrine should consist of a large photo of the two of you. If you don’t have one, simply take a photo of him and glue a photo of you to it. We both know that he has to love you, so this isn’t weird, it’s forward looking. Add glue to the list of things to bring, by the way. Make sure the shrine has incense, bones and some sort of sound device like wind chimes. The shrine needs to be the centerpiece of the show, so don’t hold back.

As he wakes up, make up an extravagant interpretive dance to express your inner feelings. Remember, now is NOT the time to hold back. After a few minutes, straddle him. Use the butcher knife from the kitchen to cut his hand, then yours, and then press them together while chanting some weird Latin ipso facto carpe diem stuff. Just make it up. The only important thing is that he thinks you know what you are saying. You need to impress him with your intellect.

Take the knife and start to cut a slit in your pants where the tattoo is, slowly. Unveil it, completely, and then press his lips to it, sealing your love forever. He might be crying, but I assure you it’s out of joy and admiration- let it happen. At this point, let your instincts guide you on what to do next- you have shown a clear, rational mind so far, so let it guide you to whatever happens.

So, to wrap this up for you, this advice is the best way to make sure he doesn’t freak out about the tattoo. Good luck, and please, let us know how it goes!


Greetings Friends!

So here is our opening post. Our proclamation to the world of our intent.

Our intent is simple. We are here to help you and that is what we do. One question at a time.

– Chris, Shuana, Geoff, and Kathy