How do I show my boyfriend my tattoo?

It’s a tattoo of his name and I have it on my hip bone. My pants cover it though, and I never thought about how I’d show it to him. I mean, I’d be embarrassed to take my pants off..

Geoff:

Wow, is this ever a good question. Who hasn’t struggled with the old “I tattooed my boyfriend’s name to my hip without him knowing it and I’m not even comfortable enough to take my pants off around him to show it off” issue? I know I have! Anyone in a normal, mature relationship is going to struggle with issues like this so I’m glad that you asked.Just to confirm a few points, do you actually know your boyfriend or is it someone you have seen across the room or in your brain? Does his last name loosely rhyme with “fever” by any chance? Lastly, how many times have you been arrested for stalking?

Please, be honest with yourself. Sometimes getting someone to love you takes effort. You can lead a horse to water, but you can only get it to drink if its only other choice is drowning in its trough. The same can be said for soul mates. Believe me, I know a thing or two about blackmail. Also, the Haddonfield police department and I had a close relationship for a few years. There’s no shame in a criminal record if you did it out of love.

The fact that you tattooed his name to your hip shows that you are committed to the relationship, even if he isn’t. But how do you show him? What you need is a grand gesture. Something that will show him how much you really care. The crescendo of which will, of course, be the unveiling of your tattoo.

Here’s what I’m thinking. He comes home from work and you are there, waiting. Which is already weird, because you don’t have a key to his place. Since I know you and I are on the same page, I’m pretty sure you’ve broken into his place a number of times before to make sure that he’s not cheating on you. Totally rational.

Then, you give him a beer. What guy doesn’t want a beer when he comes home from work? Make sure you hid the package of drugs you slipped into it so he’s not suspicious, you need him to drink the whole thing.

Once he is out, take him to the bedroom and tie him to the bed, naked. Make sure he’s tied tight, because when he wakes up he’s going to mistakenly think that he wants to be somewhere else. Clearly he won’t be thinking straight, that’s OK. He might yell, so have a sock ready to put in his mouth. It might be hard, but remember, you’re doing this FOR him, he’ll understand that eventually.

Depending on the drugs you use, you’ll only have about an hour to set the place up. Since you brought along all of that weird shit I know you have in your place- the red candles, deer, mice and raccoon skulls, your collection of eye photos you’ve tirelessly cut out of magazines, sage, red silk sheets, your multi-volume collection of surveillance photos of your boyfriend’s life- all that stuff, set it up in the room. Then you need to work on the shrine.

The shrine should consist of a large photo of the two of you. If you don’t have one, simply take a photo of him and glue a photo of you to it. We both know that he has to love you, so this isn’t weird, it’s forward looking. Add glue to the list of things to bring, by the way. Make sure the shrine has incense, bones and some sort of sound device like wind chimes. The shrine needs to be the centerpiece of the show, so don’t hold back.

As he wakes up, make up an extravagant interpretive dance to express your inner feelings. Remember, now is NOT the time to hold back. After a few minutes, straddle him. Use the butcher knife from the kitchen to cut his hand, then yours, and then press them together while chanting some weird Latin ipso facto carpe diem stuff. Just make it up. The only important thing is that he thinks you know what you are saying. You need to impress him with your intellect.

Take the knife and start to cut a slit in your pants where the tattoo is, slowly. Unveil it, completely, and then press his lips to it, sealing your love forever. He might be crying, but I assure you it’s out of joy and admiration- let it happen. At this point, let your instincts guide you on what to do next- you have shown a clear, rational mind so far, so let it guide you to whatever happens.

So, to wrap this up for you, this advice is the best way to make sure he doesn’t freak out about the tattoo. Good luck, and please, let us know how it goes!

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4 responses to “How do I show my boyfriend my tattoo?

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