Monthly Archives: October 2011

How do I convince my boss that it is not a good idea to interview people on costume day?

Last year we were desperately trying to hire a someone, and no one thought that calling them into interview on the costume day was a problem. Two of the people interviewing were in full, ridiculous costume. The person never returned our calls after. When I pointed this out, I was told the costumes let them know “what a fun office we are”, which is problematic because:
a. We were going to expect that person to work very hard initially to catch up, so we needed a serious, motivated person.
b. We’re not a fun office. We’re the opposite of fun– we’re overly political, nitpicking, backbiting, gossiping jerks, and that’s just my boss.



Anyone who has ever worked in an office environment can attest to the fact that it is impossible to convince your boss of anything. The only idea that a boss can adopt is one that he has thought of himself. Short of stabbing him in the heart with a wooden stake, there is little that can be done to change his mind if he thinks costume day is a good idea. Don’t give up hope though. If you can’t use carefully constructed ideas to sway him, maybe some full blown demonstrations are what you need instead.

First, you are going to need to hire some actors. (If you can’t find any actors, then perhaps just grab some local theatre students. Those guys will do anything if you can explain their scene motivation to them). Since this is ultimately going to be of benefit to the company, I suggest paying them out of the petty cash. You can claim it as Process Restructuring Planning And Developing Costs. Now, you have to make sure that these are the first few interviews set up for the day. The real interviews can come later on. Or not. I really have very little invested in this idea. I’m just spitballing.

Now, and this is the most important aspect of this plan, there is one direction that must be given to your team of theatrical accomplices: they must continuously believe that the boss is actually who he (or she) is dressed up as. Let’s say your boss is dressed up as a pirate. Make sure that your candidates are confused and keep thinking that perhaps they are actually on a boat or need to keep citing previous experience working aboard ships.

If your boss is dressed up as a surgeon, have them be sure to point out that they love watching Grey’s Anatomy and think that they have picked up the gist of it, citing any medical terms that they might be able to quickly call to mind. If your boss is dressed as a convict, make sure the interviewee tackles him while dialing the police on his cell phone. I think you can start to see where I am going with this.

The point of all this—hold on, just thought of another one; your boss is dressed up as Frankenstein’s monster and your interview plant rallies the townsfolk and arms them with torches and pitchforks so as to drive him and his misunderstood existence from the office where he only seeks to be left alone and ponder the meaning of his creation. Actually…scratch that last one. Now that I think about it, it just sounds like too much work. Perhaps just hit him in the face with a shovel. It’s a good go-to move for any monster.

The key to this whole exercise is planting within your boss’ mind the belief that he is truly a master of disguise. He has to come to the conclusion that, should he choose to continue to dress himself up, there is a 100% chance that he will be utterly convincing and drive the interview to crazy levels of distraction.

This sounds much tougher than it actually is. All bosses believe that they are incapable of anything less than being a master of all that they do. I once worked in an office (that I made up for the purpose of this anecdote) where the boss had only taken two karate lessons before making sure everyone on the team knew of his impressive martial arts skills. There wasn’t a piece of Styrofoam in that building that he hadn’t chopped in half with his hand.

After a round of morning interviews your plan will have accomplished two things:

1.       Your boss will realize the folly of scheduling an interview on a day when costumes and assumed identities are involved.
2.       Your boss will realize that he is the undisputed costume champion of the world.

If that doesn’t work, a rag and chloroform should keep your boss out of the way until interviews are over and done with.

This week, we’ve been answering MeetingBoy’s Halloween questions. Find our other answers here:

Question 1: How can I avoid having my job performance judged by how good I am at Halloween costumes? 

Question 2: How do I get my co-workers to wear appropriate Halloween costumes to work? 

And be sure to read MeetingBoy’s Halloween Post right here!






How do I get my co-workers to wear appropriate Halloween costumes to work?

Every year there’s an office Halloween party, and of course there’s inappropriate costumes. Susie from accounting always has something that elicits:
a: Did you see what that slut is wearing?! from a few coworkers.
b: A litany of sexual acts that they would like to perform with Susie from accounting, and of course which they are sure she is up for. From the boss and a few other neanderthals who somehow think I want to hear this.
So how do I get her to wear something appropriate? Even on Halloween I don’t think I should have to know what color thong she is wearing just because I work in the same office.



You know, some people find Santa Claus to be inappropriate. If they had their way Santa would shave that slacker’s beard, buy some clothes that are more subtle than a firetruck and take off the stupid hat that was fashionable in the fall of 1868. Other people would have Santa go on a diet to lose some of the “festively” out of his plump.

The fact of the matter is, you can talk to Santa all you want, the guy isn’t going to stop eating cookies or drinking milk. The same can be said about the costumes Susie from accounting wears and there isn’t much you can do about it. She’s probably just relieved that one day a year she doesn’t have to go home and change before going out.

In this life, the only person you can change is yourself. You can’t change the mind of an inappropriate number cruncher or the neanderthals who drool over her. Nope, the only one in your control is YOU.

That’s why, this Halloween, you’re going to out-shine Susie and shut her clam up once and for all.

I know what you are thinking: “hey, answer person, don’t you know that I’m a guy?” The answer to your question is yes, I know you are male, but that in no way should stop you from living your dreams.

Much like Martin Luther King Jr., you have a dream of an appropriately dressed work place and, also like MLK, you have the anger and vindictiveness to fight fire with fire. MLK would never let gender stop him from making a sarcastic and vengeful point and neither will you.

You need to go to the slut store (Forever 21) and get the shortest, see-through skirt you can find. This will take more effort than you might think because the store is chock full of short skirts and you need the sluttiest one they make. If you run into an issue ask one of your fellow slutty shoppers, they’ll help you. You can always pick them out by the mixed smell of Trident gum, Beauty perfume by Britney Spears and Aquanet (this last one is applicable to readers in New Jersey only).

Also, pick up some duct tape. I’m guessing you know what that’s for, but if you don’t, just remember that a drummer always puts his sticks away.

On the way into work on the 31st, stop by the makeup counter at Macy’s and tell them you want a blend of Courtney Love and Amy Winehouse (the alive version). This particular combination was highlighted in the June issue of Slutastic magazine, a division of Cosmo, and seems very appropriate for this occasion.

By the time you walk in, completely transformed into your combat slut suit, all eyes will be on you. No one will be looking at Susie in accounting and the neanderthals will have nothing to say. The best part is, if anyone complains about your costume, the office policy will be changed to address non-slut attire, so, MeetingBoy, looks like you win either way!

With answers like this maybe we should take the “Stupid” out of Your Stupid Advice!

How can I avoid having my job performance judged by how good I am at Halloween costumes?

There’s always an enthusiasm and creativity gap at the office Halloween party. Some people go way over the top, and others phone it in. Two years ago one of the managers criticized people who didn’t put much effort into costumes. Really. Where in our job descriptions does it say we have to have good costumes? “Oh, I see here that you have an engineering degree from MIT, but what was your costume last year?



It seems to me like you’re not taking full advantage of your opportunity to play dress-up at the office on this special occasion. Your fun-forcing, cheesedick, costume-wearing bosses have given you a free pass for occupational silliness. It’s time to join in the frivolity.

You deserve a chance to let loose like everyone else. To spend some time being light-hearted at work. To show off your fun side and make people like you.

And, you can use this time to make a change. In all the fake fun and festivities, you have a chance to transform the way everyone looks at you. Permanently and for the better.

This is the year you dress up as a disgruntled office employee.

Complete with strapped on bomb.

If they want creative, realistic, interesting costumes, by Jove you’re going to give them one, but you can’t go at this half-assed. In order for this to work and be the most fun you’ve ever had, and the best costume they’ve ever seen, you must fully commit to the role. You have to take this as seriously as they do. You must become one of them.

For example, I know sometimes it’s difficult to play “pretend psychokiller coworker” without a giggle here and there, so if you feel you must laugh, you need to laugh in the most maniacal way imaginable. This is the only way to enjoy yourself and to ensure that when the obligatory, time-wasting, jolly holiday is over, everyone thinks twice before telling you what they think of your costume. Because they will see how committed you are to being believable and fun.

It would also be a good idea to make sure your strapped on bomb actually ticks. In order to impress people with your costume, you want to make it as realistic as possible. Also, ticking adds immediacy to your ruse and increases its dramatic effectiveness. And, as a bonus, later on, when people are still unsure about you, but want to make you do extra work, all you’ll have to do is make hushed “tick tick tick” sounds, and they’ll be too scared to ask you to do anything. They may even offer to do work for you.

Just give it a try. It’s time to see what all the “why the hell are we acting like children at work” fuss is about. In the end, you’ll have fun joining in the reindeer games. And, trust me, no one will criticize ANYTHING you do ever again if they are




All the best!

Cheese In The Bag

I was recently traveling (regular, not time) and a jumbo jar of cheese whiz exploded in my suitcase.  there’s cheese whiz all over everything.  i already have a knife and bread in hand but other than that, what should i do?


First of all, I have a hard time believing that this could possibly happen to anyone. Cheez Whiz™  containers are nearly indestructible, and one of the safest petroleum based condiments known to man to transport.Now…if this were merely an imitation brand of a delicious spreadable cheese product, we would have an entirely different situation. Especially if the product was being transported, not in a suitcase, but in a pale green duffel bag that had the name ‘Chris Angel’ inscribed on the tag and the aforementioned bag was travelling from Ottawa to Windsor. In this specific set of circumstances then the odds of Catastrophic Cheese Product Rupture is almost a bankable certainty.

Hopefully, it is cold enough outside, you can just leave the duffel bag on your back porch and not have to deal with for a few days. This is what I did the preferred strategy. Doing this allows you to carry on for days as if nothing happened at all, and as if there wasn’t a bag filled with clothes that were covered in cheese on your back porch. Let it sit there for a few days and think about what it did whilst you carry on with your daily activities…such as trying to sleep while the bong stench is emanating from your roommate’s bedroom.

Eventually, after a week or two you are going to need to deal with the wild pack of raccoons that is now living on your back porch, wearing your collection of ironic t-shirts. I suggest a suitable distraction such as a backpack filled with someone else’s laundry and peanut butter. If hurled properly, this serves as an excellent distraction and will lure the furry bandits far enough away that you can safely grab your duffel bag/cheese harbinger.

Once you have attained the bag, be careful in opening it. It is going to smell awful. And I mean unexepectedly awful. Not many people know exactly what a bag filled with cheese covered clothes is going to smell like…but you have to trust me when I say that it is fricken funky. This task is also going to be exponentially more difficult if you have several roommates who are planning on standing around and just watching what you are doing while offering no assistance whatsoever and instead just offer commentary on your apparent lack of brain power and make suggestive comments regarding your parentage.

After your senses have sufficiently recovered from the cloud of cheese smell, it is time to start emptying that bag out. First, try to see if there is any salvageable cheese product left in there. If you can pick the shards of broken glass out, then you have orange spreadable gold there, my friend. Grab some handfuls of it and throw it into a tupperware container of some sort. Once the biggest chunks of cheese have been removed it is time for the cleaning.
For cleaning…you are going to want to use a garden hose and absolutely no soap of any kind. The soap won’t hurt anything, it is just an extra step and you are probably lazy. Hose down the bag and all affected clothing items inside. Try and scrub things around for awhile and see what happens. Maybe some of the cheese will come off. Probably not. Continue doing this for about half an hour or so. Then…throw it all away. Yup. Just get fed up with it and junk the whole thing, clothes and all, in the garbage.

Well…I hope that I have helped you, Vincent. You asshole.

How do I convince my boyfriend to remove his chest hair?

I really don’t like his chest hair. I have asked him so many times to get it waxed, but he does not want to remove it.


The answer is simple. Continue to put sticky stuff in his chest hair so he has no other choice but to shave it.

Trust me, sticky stuff is the nemesis of hair. I lost more beautiful, blond locks to watermelon Bubble Yum as a child than I care to admit. You get enough gum in there, and no amount of peanut butter will keep the scissors away.

The humanity!

But now I see how this Sticky Stuff vs. Hair discord can work to your benefit. And in a very fun way.

The key is sex. It’s time to get creative in the boudoir. Just start small and work your way up the sticky scale. Tonight, when it’s time to get intimate, suggest spicing things up a bit, then head for the kitchen. (Guys will pretty much let you do anything as long as they get to have sex.)

Grab some honey. Honey is sweet, it feels good and it’s sticky. Drizzle the honey on his chest and play with it lightly with your fingers. You have to make it feel good while you’re rubbing it into his chest hair as much as possible.

Then have him go try to clean it off. This will be the start of his chest hair frustration. (Also, girlfriend to girlfriend here, if his chest is that hairy, you’re not gonna want to take care of it yourself.)

Tomorrow night, tell him how much fun you had the night before and ask if you can try something new. He might resist a bit based on the honey thing, and if he does, make a blindfold part of the activity.

Hopefully, during the day you stopped at the store to pick up other sticky items. I recommend egg whites, Karo syrup, jelly, marshmallow cream and other such foodstuffs.

Once again, gently rub the food items into his chest, in a way that feels good but will ultimately be difficult to remove.

On the third night, you’re going to have to just go for it. Make some time to hit the hardware store for wood glue, cement sealer, wall putty and caulk. When he asks what this evening’s new game will be just say, “I want you to be surprised, but you can be sure it will involve caulk.” It sounds the same, so he’ll never know.

You should have made a mixture of all of these sticky items for use as your final chest hair foe. But be careful! You must apply this mixture with a putty knife while wearing gloves. (You should probably blindfold Hairy McFurry again).

The good news is, the sound of you snapping on the rubber gloves will excite him and the cold steel of the putty knife on his skin will send him over the edge.

Here is where you need to be extra prepared. When it’s time to clean up, the chest hair will be a nasty, matted mess. Soap and water won’t work. Peanut butter won’t work. Paint thinner won’t work. A blow torch won’t work.

It’s time for that shave.

You must, (and this is important because he will be desperate at this point) you must be ready with an electric razor. You must capitalize on his desperation by being right there and ready to go. He should not have time to consider any other options. The calm buzzing sound of the razor will soothe his nerves and smooth his chest.

That’s all there is to it.

And, seriously, if that doesn’t work, I’m telling you, watermelon Bubble Yum. That stuff bonds to hair like it’s gotta re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere.

All the best!

My four year old has a phobia of Christmas trees. What do I do? -Anon

Geoff: What do you do??? NOTHING! Count your lucky stars! Unless you’re Jewish or Muslim and you have to support some other waste-of-money gift event annually, you should cancel Christmas in your house and take a nice vacation in the Bahamas with all of that money you just saved.

In fact, I’m going to use your experience as advice for other parents. If you start while your kids are young, you can avoid ever having to deal with the mall on Christmas Eve because you forgot to get the new Sponge Crabs on a Tubby Turtle talking toy, or worrying that the drunk mall Santa is going to grant your kid the wish he never made.

Here’s the annual plan to freak your kid out of Christmas and double your yearly vacation fund:

Year 3: Apply a base coat of fear. Buy or make yourself a Santa-based jack-in-the-box. Make sure that as you turn it you are humming Christmas tunes at half their normal speed to make them more creepy. When Santa/jack pops out, make sure you show complete fear, as kids learn to react by watching how you react. Also, make a Santa puppet that has a small tack in its mouth, and whenever it comes out, make a sad face and prick the child. Don’t make him bleed, you don’t want to go to jail, but do it just hard enough to make him cry a little.

Year 4: Solidify the foundation. Things are ramping up now. The little squirt is starting to think and talk coherently which means that he’s thinking and talking to other kids as well. It’s all cute, but you have to make sure you have a solid foundation of Santa-hating laid out over this year or you could lose control of the situation.

This is the year you start using serious psychological warfare on the little consumer. Sometime in August, buy a Christmas-style tree. Don’t call it that, just call it a “tree for the patio.” In the middle of the night sneak it into the 4-year-old’s room and shake it violently while doing your best T-rex/Michael Jackson combination impersonation. Make sure he doesn’t actually see you. Do this until November and then get rid of the tree.

Year 5: Seal the deal. This is the final year you should have to worry about this. Once you get through this year the phobia should be so set in that you’ll never have to stress about Christmas again.

For the first couple of months, pepper conversations with talk about Santa losing his mind and stalking young children until he finally eats them. Make sure the little kid hears you but doesn’t know you’re talking to him. Then, sometime in the May/June time frame, start leaving shreds of red cloth on his door hinges and window sill. Also, leave some unexplained long white hair near his bed. Buy a Santa costume and walk by his slightly unopened door through the night as he sleeps.

As you go into Fall, start talking about how there are missing children in the neighborhood and that Santa seemed to be involved somehow. Then, while the kid is at school, install a strobe light and a fog machine in his closet. Mount the creepiest Santa doll you can find on top of a catapult aimed right at his bed. (ProTip: Go to Etsy if you can’t find a creepy enough Santa.)

As he falls asleep, turn on the smoke. The smoke will seep out of the closet and he’ll notice. Then, flash the strobe so he gets flashes of creepy Santa. He’ll be screaming at this point, but it’s not the time to back down. In for an inch, in for a mile. Turn the strobe on constant flash and fire the Creepy Santa Catapult right at his head. While he’s freaking out run in to the room a grab the Santa so he has no tangible evidence of the deception.

There you have it! How to never worry about Christmas again…

Also, why I’m legally restricted from having kids.

Ok, so I’m totally in love with my best friend.

he and I have known each-other for a long time and share everything. I’ve tried to talk to her about my feelings, but she tells me that she doesn’t feel that way about me. I think she’s not being honest about her feelings and I am looking for ideas on how to convince her to get with the program (so to speak) and realize that she does love me. I’ve got a couple ideas ranging from writing her a letter and explaining some things to her to trying to hire someone to do an intervention on her to just finding someone that can shake her until she changes her mind. Do you have some other thoughts or advice for me?

Wow, long question. Lots of words. You know I have a word budget, right? I can’t edit your question down because that’s dishonest. So, I hope I can get the whole answer in here, because I have a good one. It’s a plan full of surprise and wonder, and I know you’re going to land this woman, for sure.

We’ll get to the plan in a second. I’m still miffed about the number of words in your question. I counted. 131 words, making this the longest question we have ever answered on this site. That’s what we call a record here in California.

Based on the length of this question, writing a letter is not going to be part of the plan. I can only assume it would be the length of Lord of the Rings. Trust me, she won’t read it and you might even decide halfway through that she’s not worth all that work. We can’t have that.

Look, you just have to be honest with yourself. The best way to approach this situation is with 100% honesty. It’s all about what you think when you look yourself in the eye standing there in front of the mirror. You need to ask yourself the important question:

“Am I asking a question I want to know the answer to or am I just asking to take up all the Stupid Advice person’s words?”

There you will find the answer:

131 words is not a question, it’s a speech.

Now, for your answer: All you have to do is to go sh-

I have been working at a new job for 3 weeks…

It is a fairly new company, and I was brought in as a department head. I have no experience in the field, and no managerial experience. That being said, I love my new job, and feel I am fairly good at it. At least as good as I could be in a new job, and position. My problem is, I am starting to feel extremely warn [sic] out and overwhelmed already, and I think that is mostly due to the stress, and I am getting extremely lost in some parts of my position. How would you handle this? I just need suggestions to hold me over until I get comfortable in this position.


Ah…yes…I can well relate to the feeling of being the new person in an unfamiliar work environment. This reminds me of the few months I spent as a cardiac surgeon. The first few months of that position, while enjoyable, were spent coping with large amounts of stress, countless screaming patients, multiple malpractice suits, and at least one incident involving townsfolk and pitchforks.

Regardless of whether you are starting a new job in an office, waiting on tables for the first time, or spending several months pretending to be a world renowned heart surgeon with a briefcase of highly suspect and mostly fraudulent documents, the feeling of being lost can be the same. We all share that feeling of disorientation and sinking. The good news is that you can cope with this. The bad news is that you have to rely on me to find out how.

Your first strategy is to identify who the biggest pushover in the office. Personally, I find the easiest way to do this is to walk around screaming a lot at random. The higher someone jumps, the bigger the pushover they are. This will be the person who will now be doing all of your work. Immediately pass over your most daunting tasks to them whilst constantly reminding them how you are now their best friend and would hate to see something happen to their lovely home. This should put them at ease and make them eager to be part of your team. (It is important to have a team name, even if you never share it with anyone. My team is Team Wickenstein. I’m not really sure why I called it that, but I must have had a very good reason).

Once you have your workload dealt with, it is time to deal with the stress. Now…your first step should have eliminated a lot of the stress, but you might have some residual stress kicking around, or perhaps a new type of low level guilt-stress after discovering that you are capable of being a no good lazy workload passer. Fortunately your job has seen to it to provide the means of relieving this. On your desk you should have a computer. This computer probably has some internet access. In fact, you are probably using it RIGHT THIS SECOND TO READ THIS ADVICE! Well…this internet place is FILLED with stress relieving sites. Did you know that there is an entire digital world in here of cute and fluffy cats doing hilarious things? There are cats playing piano, water skiing, pretending to be dogs, watching TV, wearing clothes…the list goes on. Hold on…I gotta go see some more of these cats.

Ha. That was awesome. He thinks he’s people.

Once you have your workload and stress taken care of you’re golden. From this point on it is all about maintenance mode. This means identifying the absolute bare minimum to do and still maintain the illusion of being a valuable employee. For the most part this means answering emails from your boss and reminding them of where they left their glasses, stapler, or stethoscope. I also find walking around the office quickly makes it look like you are busy and a person who is getting things done. This is doubly effective if you remember to make sure that your pants are done up.

Remember, we have all been the new person at a job and we all just want to look like we know what we are doing. Keep calm, keep focused, and keep on piling your stuff on the scapegoat. It’s ok. He’s probably an asshole anyway.

So I smell pizza in my house, but I can’t find it?!? [sic]where could it be.[sic]


Since this is an advice blog, I feel compelled to give you advice. Also because I have no idea where your house is and, therefore, no way of knowing where the pizza is, I can’t actually answer what you ask.

But, I can help you with your life.

(And if you believe that, I can also help you purchase some lovely beachfront property in Iowa.)

If you smell pizza where there is no pizza, you should consider visiting some kind of therapist or Weight Watchers® counselor. Immediately. Forget the pizza and go. You could be experiencing Cheeselucinations.

Cheeselucinations are a serious side effect of loving pizza WAY too much. I know. I’ve had them.

I love pizza. I could eat pizza every day. I love every pizza from every pizza place. I love loaded pizzas. I love plain pizzas. I even love frozen pizzas. I love pizza pockets, pizza bites, pizza rolls, pizza bagels, pizza minis, pizza pouches, pizza snacks…

The list could go on into infinity. As long as there is pizza in infinity. (If not, screw infinity. I’ll wait for the movie.)

When you love pizza as much as I love pizza, eventually all you can think about is pizza. It consumes you. It haunts your every thought and dream. Your senses become filled with pizza.

You see pizza wherever you look. You hear pizza in every sound. You feel pizza on all you touch. You taste pizza in all you eat. And? You smell pizza with every whiff.

When I started this post, I planned to encourage you to seek counseling. I was going to give you some tricks and home remedies you could try. I was going to explain how to go about choosing the best therapist (or dietician). I was even going to suggest attending one of those comedy shows featuring some witty hypnotist for a free session of hypnosis.

But I can’t do that to you. It’s too painful. It’s too hard. After years of very specialized therapy and expensive treatments from doctors and scientists who are apparently pretty damn proud of what they do (thank you very much), I feel I must tell you that the only cure is…pizza.

My advice is to FIND THAT PIZZA!

Maybe check the chimney. Sometimes Santa is having a snack and he can’t always finish it before he gets to your house, so he just leaves a little bit of it in the flue for later. If you left him a lot of cookies, he may have been full and forgotten his ‘za.

Also, I just did a search for your house. I’m on my way. If I find the pizza first, I’m totally eating it.

All the best!

All hail Pizza the Hut!

How to buy the best flashlight?


Well, I guess first you want to really make sure that you adhere to due diligence and do your research. Though it is a product that is only a few years old, there are a variety of different types these days and the selection can be overwhelming.

You need to start with the main question: Which one is right for me? Seems like a simple enough question but you have to remember that we, as humans, are a fickle bunch and can sometimes not know our own desires. Do you want to go with one that has a dark flesh tone? Light flesh? Perhaps you want one that is based upon an actual known star such as Jenna Haze. This can give it that slightly more personal experience.

On top of that you have all the options of the various different body parts now. Sure…your base model is always going to be a classic, but perhaps you want something that fits a little tighter. There are models that are well equipped to accommodate you now. These can bring that extra little spice you might have been looking for.

Your research really shouldn’t end there though…maintenance can be an issue. Be sure to check out the best lubes to useas well as proper cleaning practices before purchasing. You don’t want to get something that is going to end up being a hassle in the long run. This is supposed to be something that is fun…not a chore to do. Also, make sure that you have made your choice before you even enter that store, remember…trying out the merchandise before purchasing is severely frowned upon.

I hope that I was able to offer some help and here’s hoping that you can pick the Fleshlight that is right for you!

Oh wait. I just re-read the question.

Can’t you just use your cell phone like everyone else?


I’ve been thinking a lot about cats recently. I mean, how cool are they? They are the vampires of the pet-animal kingdom, with all the style, smoothness and seemingly infinite life span. They appear wherever   they want, jump 10 times their standing height and can peer to the very depths of your soul. They are also self-sufficient for the most part, which is a bonus if you have commitment problems.

This is, of course, in complete opposition to the zombie of the pet-animal world: the dog. Canines are driven by one instinct and one instinct only: to feed. They will do just about anything to fuck you out of whatever it is that you are trying to ingest. In fact, in a recent survey I made up for this paragraph, 95% of dogs’ thoughts end in “…. and then I can get their food”. This is a dog in a nutshell.

I’ve often wondered what would happen if a vampire got bitten by a zombie. They are two totally different breeds of creature that procreate through some sort of fluid exchange. I’d like to think that the blind ambition of the zombie would feed into the smooth, beautiful vampiric lifestyle, but my guess is a Dick Clark post-stroke confused creature is closer to the mark.

What does this have to do with flashlights? Absolutely nothing, which is what you’re going to see if you buy a shitty flashlight. Don’t be cheap. Buy a Maglite, so when you’re running from zombie-vampire Dick Clark through an alley on New Years Rockin’ Eve you won’t have to pause to smack your flashlight on your palm to get it to turn back on.