Why is my car coughing up hair?

I just pulled about 10 feet of hair out of my tailpipe. At first I thought something just got stuck when I saw a piece of black hairy material hanging out of it, and so I pulled it out and that was that. But the following day, I saw it again! It almost seemed like someone stuffed a black wig into my muffler! And that time, when I pulled it out, I yanked about 10 feet of it out. What is wrong with my car?? Why is it spitting hair out?

– Eartha


It must have been a shocking experience to pull that out of your tailpipe. It’s remarkable that you even look at your tailpipe often enough to have noticed this. I’m pretty sure I would have driven around with what looked like a black rat tail for days or weeks before noticing something awry with my tailpipe.

While it must have been a shocking occurrence to you to have a hair-like substance coming out of your car, I assure you that it’s not completely unheard of. There have been a few cases around major cities of this happening. I’d be willing to bet two events were occurring simultaneously during the time period of this incident:

1)Cher was between farewell tours.

2)There were horrible, muffled, top 40 love songs coming faintly to you from inside the engine compartment.

The fact of the matter is, you have Cher stuck in your exhaust pipe. Cher has been known to climb into people’s exhaust systems and hibernate in between farewell tours. The number 2 reason for people finding black, hair-like substances in their mufflers is Cherbernation. The only more common reason is Auto-Dysphoria, in which automobiles express their individuality by attempting to do things they weren’t designed to do, like, say, wig making.

When you pulled the first piece of hair out, it was her show wig. Like anyone in show business, she came prepared with a backup, just in case. The second one you pulled out was the backup. So now Cher is stuck in your engine mortally embarrassed to come out because you took her wigs and God only knows what she looks like without a wig.

Much like Frodo and the Ring of Power, you have a choice to make. If Cher is ever reunited with her wig she will come back out of retirement and poison all of our ears with an endless crooning of “Turn Back Time” and “Believe”. This can’t happen. Only you stand between a world with tolerable music and a world where Cher is turning back time simply to fix her love life.

Your choice.


2 responses to “Why is my car coughing up hair?

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