How do I stay fragrant?

Whenever I am at my girlfriend’s place, I’m terrified when I have to use her washroom. Any advice on how I can use it without making her whole apartment smell like something is dying inside of me?

Geoff:

The first thing that comes to mind is that you should probably go to the doctor to make sure something didn’t, in fact, die inside of you. In the Arkansas Medical Journal issue 32 from 1857, there was a documented case of a man who had 2 pancreases, one of which died. The resulting smell was rancid; from every orifice oozed a rotting flesh odor that attracted only flies.

Any advice to help a guy with mental illness find a girlfriend? I’m trying to find a long term relationship but I keep running into a wall!

Any advice to help a guy with mental illness find a girlfriend? I’m trying to find a long term relationship but I keep running into a wall!

Kathy:

Thank you so much for posing this question to us. My friend, I feel like you have come to just the right place. To me, the answer for you is very clear.

I know it may seem like a good idea and perhaps the other kids are doing it, but I really think you need to stop running into that wall. It is very obvious to me that that is your core issue.

How do I tell my family I was laid off?

Dear Stupid Advisors, I was recently laid off from my job. So recently that I haven’t yet told my family. I have to go back home for a function and everyone in my family will be there. Do I tell them or let them think everything is ok? Also, everyone in my family is very successful at their job.

Chris:

The feeling of inferiority that can be experienced when a traumatic loss, such as a job, occurs is always amplified when held up to the shining achievements of others. The closer those others are to you, personally…well the greater the effects can be upon your emotional well being. Fortunately there is a clear and easy way to deal with this mental mess. It is called leveling the playing field.

Ok Stupid Advice team, Manscaping. I’ve never had to do it before but my girlfriend keeps asking me about it. Can you help a brother out?

Ok Stupid Advice team, Manscaping. I’ve never had to do it before but my girlfriend keeps asking me about it. Can you help a brother out?

Geoff:

At the dawn of time, man and beast were both covered in hair. Then man started to do things like make fire, build houses and use computers (mostly to create moderen day cave drawings of our penises on our people’s facebook walls). Through the time between making fire and texting, we lost our body hair and started doing things like listening to our women instead of beating them over the head and dragging them back to our caves for delicious procreation sex. We call this progress.

Can I get pregnant from dry humping even when I’m on birth control and fully clothed?

My boyfriend and I do this thing where we dry hump while he’s wearing a condom so it’s an easy clean-up and so we don’t have to worry about the “pre.” I never take my pants off. However, the other day, the condom broke while at climax.. We cleaned it up immediately but I’m still worried I could somehow be pregnant. I am on birth control but I just want to see if anyone has an answer for my worries?

Geoff:

I’m really glad that you wrote in and asked us this question. It’s a shame that our sex ed classes in high school don’t address the specific situations that pop up in a young woman’s life. If we could have an open dialogue in our classrooms you would have known the risk immediately and known what to do.

Just thank god that you live in a world where you ask this type of question to the experts!

The fact of the matter is that you are probably pregnant. Yes, the pill has an effective kill rate of 99 percent to your boyfriend’s little army of clones. The problem is, they never tell you the actual numbers. Read on to have some facts lay on top of your mind and dry hump it.

The average population of sperm in one ejaculation is about 750 million. This is more than double the current total US population and should every one of these sperm find an egg you would have a very complicated pregnancy. As stated above, the pill is 99% effective. That means that about 8.5 million sperm survived to penetrate the clothes, make the climb up Mount Vagina and make camp under the stars of the Uterine sky.

That’s not all of the bad news. It’s a commonly known fact that clothing is a horrible pregnancy deterrent. My guess is that, as a best case scenario, 500,000 of the lazier sperm got distracted by the colorful fields of fabric on the way to the base of the mountain. They broke off, made camp and started a simpler life.

Sperm that aren’t going for the mountain can live up to thirty years, resist laundry detergents and, while getting stronger, can make a run at the mountain at any time. This is why it’s essential to burn anything the sperm could have made contact with.

Ok, so now you have 8 million sperm sitting under the Uterine sky waiting for nature to take its course. You should know the rest of what happens up there and I won’t bore you with the details, but basically you’re going to have a baby in 9 months. The odds are against you on this one.

If you ever have time to dry hump with a condom on while using birth control again, you should really consider a couple of key points that will prevent you from making a little baby until you are ready for him/her.

1)The most effective way to make sure nothing bad happens while engaging in activities like this is to dry hump from across the room. Do what you normally do, just do it from at least 15 feet apart. Please do not skimp on any of your birth control methods as they are still very important.

2)Once you are finished, he needs to encase himself up to his neck in a large trash bag or other plastic material immediately. You need to contain those little guys before they can get out. A small but powerful percentage of sperm can actually fly short distances so make sure this happens fast.

3)You must burn anything that he was in, on, near, around or even looked at, as it all could contain sperm sitting there biding their time. True birth control is expensive, be prepared for this.

4)Drink a lot of orange juice. This has nothing to do with your question, but it’s a good source of vitamin C and calcium, which is very important in a balanced diet.

With this advice, you’ll never have to panic like this again and you have the added health bonus of orange juice to help you through the first kid.

No need to thank me!

My girlfriend is very attractive; if she farted in a mason jar, would anybody buy it?

My girlfriend is very attractive; if she farted in a mason jar, would anybody buy it?

-Anonymous 

Geoff: These are the kinds of questions that the Your Stupid Advice team lives for. You, gentle reader, are sitting at home and you have an idea, maybe even a stroke of genius. What do you do with it? How do you even know it’s a brilliant idea? You came to the right place.The simple answer, of course, is yes. I know I would love to add your girlfriend’s canned flatulence to my wall of quirky collectibles. It would fit perfectly in between the coffee can of toe nails that I secretly clipped off of attractive women while they slept and my scrap book of padding I cut out of women’s bras after going through their trash.

Yes, a hermetically sealed cloud of hot woman ass stink would be a perfect pick-me-up on a horrible day. I know I would be a repeat customer since I have a high number of horrible days. But why stop there? You own the factory, the production line, and distribution. If there’s one person willing to buy this there are a million.

What you need to do is brand your product. You have the basics of a powerful business but you need to find a way to deliver the product to your fans.

First, I suggest coming up with a classy name, something like Whiff Of Crass, Flaxcellence or Ode Della Puzza (Italian for fart). Find the name, own the name, tell everyone about it.

Next, You have to make sure your girlfriend’s hotness is a universal truth. It’s a well known fact that a woman’s (or a man’s for that matter) hotness goes up when sex is on the table so you need to invest in an independent panel of disinterested people. She needs to average a 9 or higher to move forward because if you’re going to sell her farts, she has to be really hot.

If she doesn’t meet the hotness criteria, just find someone else’s photo and use that instead. Google “hot woman” and you should get as many results as you can handle.

Another key point is your investment into the project. You have to make sure you have beans and a mason jar on hand at ANY TIME. Every fart that escapes is money out of your pocket. You might want to look into some sort of gas storage system she can wear when she goes out to a party so you don’t miss any of your product. I’m thinking an airbag glued to her rump with a valve on the back would work; when it inflates, it’s time to go home.

These are some basic guidelines for you but why stop here?  If you follow the rules above you’ll do OK but you really need to start thinking big picture. These are some of the things you need to be thinking of:

1)Why not start capturing her burps as well? Those are going to happen with all the gas inducing food you’re going to feed her.

2)How about taking a swipe of her armpits after she works out and putting the rag in a jar? I know I would like a whiff of her pits on a hot summer day.

3)Think even larger: Start developing an army of farters to do all of the above and send you the jars for distribution.

This will provide a larger variety of women, diets, smells and situations. You could start a Perfumery type of retail store where a customer can come in an mix a fart from a southern girl on a train with her mom in the south of France with an imported, rare Ethiopian Mountain Dew induced burp from the Eritrean Highlands during the fall. The combinations are endless; so is the profit.

Anyway, I hope that I’ve given you some food for thought, or, should I say, some food for fart. Please let us know how you have moved forward with the idea and, as always, we wish you good luck.

No need to thank me!