Ok Stupid Advice team, Manscaping. I’ve never had to do it before but my girlfriend keeps asking me about it. Can you help a brother out?

Ok Stupid Advice team, Manscaping. I’ve never had to do it before but my girlfriend keeps asking me about it. Can you help a brother out?
Geoff:
At the dawn of time, man and beast were both covered in hair. Then man started to do things like make fire, build houses and use computers (mostly to create moderen day cave drawings of our penises on our people’s facebook walls). Through the time between making fire and texting, we lost our body hair and started doing things like listening to our women instead of beating them over the head and dragging them back to our caves for delicious procreation sex. We call this progress.

Manscape for Jesus. Please.

Progress brought about a few problems. First, we had to clothe ourselves because holy crap does it get cold in Russia during the winter. Second, men had to actually work at being attractive to women in order to put themselves in a position to pass their genes on. Third, and most important, we created fictional beasts like the Wolfman, werewolves and Bigfoot.

These fictional characters set the stage for manscaping. This is important because you can now blame the National Inquirer, The Globe and the Mysteries of the Unknown book series for the negative view of man hair. In fact, your girlfriend, just 50 short years ago, would have found your Sasquatch-like aura of fur as much of a turn on as a photo of Johnny Depp turns her on today.

Unfortunately, until they develop a time machine to send you back to an era where you’d be appreciated for who you are, you are stuck here. We better find a way to make the best of it for you.

Doc failed the hairy man.”

Like any issue in a relationship, the most mature way to handle this is to use it for leverage to get her to fix something you want to change about her. Pick something that you want from her and tell her you won’t do what she wants until she does what you want. This is the way adult relationships function – the basic premise is that you should never have to change unless she does. 99.9853% of men will use issues like this to get more blow jobs but I don’t want to put words in your mouth.Once you have established what you want and she has committed to doing it, it’s time to man up. There are a couple of rules here though.1)
1)TAKE ONLY WHAT YOU NEED TO SURVIVE (the relationship)
I’m imagining that you are pretty much neck to foot solid hair. Does that mean you take a bath in a tub full of Nair? NO! You need hair under your arms, on your legs and on your chest. I agree that you might need to trim some of those areas, but to take it all off is just plain wrong. Only swimmers and long distance bikers really need to do this and, based on the fact that you have never heard of manscaping before, I’m assuming you are neither of these things.
2) DO IT YOURSELF
Do not lose control of the situation and let her go all buzz crazy with those clippers. There’s no telling what will get shaved down or cut off in the process.
3) NO DESIGNS
Meaning, do not cut the Bat Sign on your chest, do not put lightening bolts down your back, no fire bolts going down your arm. If you are going to do all of that you might as well frost your tips, join a boy band and get caught rubbing your feet on another guy’s feet under a stall in a public bathroom.
4) WHAT HAPPENS IN SHAVE CLUB, STAYS IN SHAVE CLUB
That’s right, none of your guy friends need to know what happened, why it happened or when it will happen again. This is one of those things that you do not talk about. Mainly because I never want to hear about it. Besides, once you tell a table of guys that you clogged the shower up with your man fur ball they’ll never let you live it down.I’ve given you the history of furry males, talked a bit about how to pull it off and some guidelines on how to navigate a relationship. If these don’t work, just leave your girl and move to Alaska where a hairy guy is a sign of virility. Easy peasy!
No need to thank me!

Good Luck. You’re going to need it.


One response to “Ok Stupid Advice team, Manscaping. I’ve never had to do it before but my girlfriend keeps asking me about it. Can you help a brother out?

  • The Good Greatsby

    I always assume there’s no such thing as too much hair or too little hair–there’s only living in the wrong place. If you’re super hairy, you probably shouldn’t live next to the beach. Nature is saying you’d be happier in a much colder climate where your body hair will keep you warm.

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