“Manscape for Jesus. Please.”
Progress brought about a few problems. First, we had to clothe ourselves because holy crap does it get cold in Russia during the winter. Second, men had to actually work at being attractive to women in order to put themselves in a position to pass their genes on. Third, and most important, we created fictional beasts like the Wolfman, werewolves and Bigfoot.
These fictional characters set the stage for manscaping. This is important because you can now blame the National Inquirer, The Globe and the Mysteries of the Unknown book series for the negative view of man hair. In fact, your girlfriend, just 50 short years ago, would have found your Sasquatch-like aura of fur as much of a turn on as a photo of Johnny Depp turns her on today.
Unfortunately, until they develop a time machine to send you back to an era where you’d be appreciated for who you are, you are stuck here. We better find a way to make the best of it for you.
“Doc failed the hairy man.”
I’m imagining that you are pretty much neck to foot solid hair. Does that mean you take a bath in a tub full of Nair? NO! You need hair under your arms, on your legs and on your chest. I agree that you might need to trim some of those areas, but to take it all off is just plain wrong. Only swimmers and long distance bikers really need to do this and, based on the fact that you have never heard of manscaping before, I’m assuming you are neither of these things.
Do not lose control of the situation and let her go all buzz crazy with those clippers. There’s no telling what will get shaved down or cut off in the process.
Meaning, do not cut the Bat Sign on your chest, do not put lightening bolts down your back, no fire bolts going down your arm. If you are going to do all of that you might as well frost your tips, join a boy band and get caught rubbing your feet on another guy’s feet under a stall in a public bathroom.
That’s right, none of your guy friends need to know what happened, why it happened or when it will happen again. This is one of those things that you do not talk about. Mainly because I never want to hear about it. Besides, once you tell a table of guys that you clogged the shower up with your man fur ball they’ll never let you live it down.I’ve given you the history of furry males, talked a bit about how to pull it off and some guidelines on how to navigate a relationship. If these don’t work, just leave your girl and move to Alaska where a hairy guy is a sign of virility. Easy peasy!
“Good Luck. You’re going to need it.”