How do I tell my family I was laid off?

Dear Stupid Advisors, I was recently laid off from my job. So recently that I haven’t yet told my family. I have to go back home for a function and everyone in my family will be there. Do I tell them or let them think everything is ok? Also, everyone in my family is very successful at their job.

Chris:

The feeling of inferiority that can be experienced when a traumatic loss, such as a job, occurs is always amplified when held up to the shining achievements of others. The closer those others are to you, personally…well the greater the effects can be upon your emotional well being. Fortunately there is a clear and easy way to deal with this mental mess. It is called leveling the playing field.

Your first line of attack is of course their jobs. All it takes is a few anonymous emails to their bosses outlining some of their, perhaps overlooked, unfortunate qualities.

Foolproof

Couple this with some late night office break-ins, during which you can steal company materials and plant them in your target’s filing cabinet, desk, car, and even body cavities (this last depends upon your level of commitment and the target’s level of obliviousness to what you are doing).

In the event that you do not want to harm their career (maybe you are some kind of weak-willed wuss or something) other avenues can, of course, be explored. This is the point at which I would encourage you to contact your embezzler. (It occurs to me that perhaps you don’t already have someone you go to when you need to hide money trails. Fix that now.) Have him establish some rather shady avenues of financial transactions. Something that would send all sorts of red flags to the IRS. After this, it is just a matter of waiting around. You won’t need to wait long.

Remember…if all else fails…houses can burn like glorious bonfires.

The gist of all this is…it is rather easy to bring others down to your level. Once the misery has been properly spread amongst your family, your own trivial matter of temporary unemployment will seem nothing in comparison. If anything, it will show that you are all in this together and just part of the family.
Cheers!