My girlfriend is very attractive; if she farted in a mason jar, would anybody buy it?

My girlfriend is very attractive; if she farted in a mason jar, would anybody buy it?
-Anonymous 

Geoff: These are the kinds of questions that the Your Stupid Advice team lives for. You, gentle reader, are sitting at home and you have an idea, maybe even a stroke of genius. What do you do with it? How do you even know it’s a brilliant idea? You came to the right place.The simple answer, of course, is yes. I know I would love to add your girlfriend’s canned flatulence to my wall of quirky collectibles. It would fit perfectly in between the coffee can of toe nails that I secretly clipped off of attractive women while they slept and my scrap book of padding I cut out of women’s bras after going through their trash.

Yes, a hermetically sealed cloud of hot woman ass stink would be a perfect pick-me-up on a horrible day. I know I would be a repeat customer since I have a high number of horrible days. But why stop there? You own the factory, the production line, and distribution. If there’s one person willing to buy this there are a million.

What you need to do is brand your product. You have the basics of a powerful business but you need to find a way to deliver the product to your fans.

First, I suggest coming up with a classy name, something like Whiff Of Crass, Flaxcellence or Ode Della Puzza (Italian for fart). Find the name, own the name, tell everyone about it.

Next, You have to make sure your girlfriend’s hotness is a universal truth. It’s a well known fact that a woman’s (or a man’s for that matter) hotness goes up when sex is on the table so you need to invest in an independent panel of disinterested people. She needs to average a 9 or higher to move forward because if you’re going to sell her farts, she has to be really hot.

If she doesn’t meet the hotness criteria, just find someone else’s photo and use that instead. Google “hot woman” and you should get as many results as you can handle.

Another key point is your investment into the project. You have to make sure you have beans and a mason jar on hand at ANY TIME. Every fart that escapes is money out of your pocket. You might want to look into some sort of gas storage system she can wear when she goes out to a party so you don’t miss any of your product. I’m thinking an airbag glued to her rump with a valve on the back would work; when it inflates, it’s time to go home.

These are some basic guidelines for you but why stop here?  If you follow the rules above you’ll do OK but you really need to start thinking big picture. These are some of the things you need to be thinking of:

1)Why not start capturing her burps as well? Those are going to happen with all the gas inducing food you’re going to feed her.

2)How about taking a swipe of her armpits after she works out and putting the rag in a jar? I know I would like a whiff of her pits on a hot summer day.

3)Think even larger: Start developing an army of farters to do all of the above and send you the jars for distribution.

This will provide a larger variety of women, diets, smells and situations. You could start a Perfumery type of retail store where a customer can come in an mix a fart from a southern girl on a train with her mom in the south of France with an imported, rare Ethiopian Mountain Dew induced burp from the Eritrean Highlands during the fall. The combinations are endless; so is the profit.

Anyway, I hope that I’ve given you some food for thought, or, should I say, some food for fart. Please let us know how you have moved forward with the idea and, as always, we wish you good luck.

No need to thank me!

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