How do I stay fragrant?

Whenever I am at my girlfriend’s place, I’m terrified when I have to use her washroom. Any advice on how I can use it without making her whole apartment smell like something is dying inside of me?

Geoff:

The first thing that comes to mind is that you should probably go to the doctor to make sure something didn’t, in fact, die inside of you. In the Arkansas Medical Journal issue 32 from 1857, there was a documented case of a man who had 2 pancreases, one of which died. The resulting smell was rancid; from every orifice oozed a rotting flesh odor that attracted only flies.

In that you have a girlfriend I doubt this is what happened with you but you should rule this option out first. Once you have confirmed that you are dead-pancreas free, then we can move on to the options you have for reducing the smell issue.

There are a few things that have worked for me in the past. I used to use matches to cover the smells that would come from me. That worked really well until I accidentally set my girlfriend’s cat on fire and then tried to put it out with her perfume. I got minor jail time for that and I had to sign an agreement promising I would never use fire without supervision.

The trick I swear by today, and the one that I think will work best for you, is what I call a two birds/one stone situation (Although you need to be careful since hitting a bird with a stone can ALSO result in minor jail time, a restraining order keeping you away from wildlife and the full wrath of PETA). In a recent survey, the number one complaint from women in relationships is that men do not clean enough. It’s not that pressure washing the toilet with your urine or using your toothpaste spit to clean your shaved beard hairs off the sink aren’t working, it’s just that she doesn’t see the effort. So you’re going to play off of that.

If she has a vacuum like this MARRY HER!

Before you go to the bathroom to deal with the Indian food you had for lunch, grab her vacuum and a box of dryer sheets. Make sure she sees you walking around with these items. Pull them into the bathroom with you and plug the vacuum in.

Once you are in the number 2 position, stuff half the box of dryer sheets into the nozzle part of the vacuum and turn it on. Insert the nozzle into the bowl between your legs and let the modified smell sucking equipment do its thing.  Make sure it’s down in the bowl enough to catch the smell but not close enough to suck up any actual matter. Also, watch out for your testicles because, wow, does that hurt. All of your foul smelling death odor will be sucked through the dryer sheets and into the vacuum.

From the outside, it sounds like you are cleaning her bathroom. She’s out there swooning because you’re taking the extra time to keep the place nice. Be ready for some intimacy on your way out. No, really, make sure you are clean because she’s going to want it.

I love a clean bathroom, baby

It’s a well established fact that cleaning for a woman is the hottest thing you can do besides possessing a large amount of money. You, sir, have arrived.

No need to thank me!