How do I tell my boyfriend I want a break?

Can I just text him we need to talk & tell him to meet me somewhere then what do I tell him?


Well, I’m happy to tell you that you have come to the right place for advice. I have had this news broken to me in just about every conceivable way so far (the most inventive being the conveying of the message through the use of semaphore flags whilst being serenaded by a Mariachi Band. It is impossible to be depressed when there is a Mariachi Band playing. Try it sometime. Seriously. You’d be surprised how easy it is to find a Mariachi Band on Craigslist. Just be careful in your ad. That is a scenario that can take a dangerous and erotic turn quite quickly.)

Now you have suggested starting the whole thing with a text message. That’s a good way to get the ball rolling. The cold and clinical detachment of a text saying “We Need To Talk” is an excellent way to immediately put your boyfriend on the defensive and leave him in a cold sweat until you have a chance to get together with him. For maximum effect, make sure that you can’t talk to him for a few days. This will ensure that by the time that you do get to sit down and talk he will be a crippled ball of emotion and nerves barely able to form a coherent thought or sentence. Chances are that he will even have mentally supplied a thousand justifications for you ripping him apart and will be fairly receptive to any news that you have to give him.

Now for what to tell him. You and I both know…honesty sucks. Really. Is it going to help either him or you to let him know that you just found out that your best friend’s hot cousin who is newly single is going to be in town for the weekend and you want a chance to console him with whipped cream served on your chest? The answer is no. Truth is never the best policy. What you want is something memorable. For this there is really only one way to go.

You are a spy.

I know what you’re thinking…”But, girls can’t be spies!” While technically true, this is the sort of thing that is so far-fetched that you WANT to believe it. Spies are awesome and sexy and when you couple that with the fiction of a woman doing it you have a story that will capture the mind.

So…you get him to the restaurant. You sit him down. Then quietly, and hopefully not in sight of any waiters or baristas, you pull a gun on him. Let him know that your cover is blown, the whole mission is in danger of falling apart, and that you would like to believe that he didn’t sell you out. At this point it would be helpful to shoot him. Nothing fatal of course. This being a break, you always want the option to return if nothing else catches your eye. Try to just graze a limb.

After that, all you need to do is make your getaway, change your contact info and possibly create a new fake personal history. Easy-peasey!



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