Any advice on how to deal with dating a guy who emits weird odors? I’m asking for a friend.

Any advice on how to deal with dating a guy who emits weird odors? I’m asking for a friend.
-Christy Schultz

Geoff:

Dating is already tricky without having such an obvious, deterring thing like bad smells to deal with. It’s good that your friend had the courage to come out in the open and ask you privately to come ask us publicly about this issue. Yes, dating a guy who emits a weird odor can be really tricky to deal with, but always remember, relationships are about finding your way around these things.

All that said, there are only a few conditions that would make a guy smell in a way that can be described as “weird” and would warrant the word “emits.”

Yes, the reality is that your friend is dating a dead guy.

At first, this might seem a little bit of a turn off but I assure you that there are some serious advantages to dating a dead guy. Let’s explore the fun you can have with a corpse.

First, There are the obvious sexual ramifications that come from rigormortis. This stiffening of certain body parts can achieve in a mere few hours what it took roughly 10,000 years of medicine to come up with… and you don’t have to pay for the Viagra. A less obvious benefit is all the money you’ll save by not having to buy birth control anymore. Also, with a proper bungee/pulley system you can pull off any position in the Kama Sutra. Wear a helmet though, safety first.

Also, you will never find a better listener than a corpse. Using the same pulley system as above, he will always have a hug to give. If you need him to lend an ear, he can do that… literally, if that’s your thing. With a little manipulation using rubber bands, you can make any facial expression you need. Need a soft smile? Put a rubber band around his ears and under his chin. Need some empathy? Put two fish hooks in opposite sides of his mouth, feed the strings under his clothes and tie them to his toes really tight to pull his mouth down and make him frown with you.

Finally, the biggest advantage is that your relationship will only last two weeks, which, of course, is the average time for the putrefaction process of a dead body to become out of hand. Since you need to move on every two weeks, it spares you the emotional rollercoaster of a normal relationship. Also, this opens you up to experiencing all kinds of different types of relationships… and, bonus, you’ll never have to worry about introducing your boyfriend to your parents.

Which is good because one thing a corpse sucks at is conversation.

No need to thank me!