Exactly what would be the best method in kidnapping Ryan Reynolds to be my sex slave?

-ericarosie

Chris:

Well…I don’t want to give the impression that I’m an expert in kidnapping or endorse it in any way, but I do have quite an extensive collection of hobos who I have living out in the pump house behind the vegetable garden. My years of gathering them has afforded me an insight that I feel could be quite helpful with your problem.

The big trick once you’ve identified your target is determining what it is that could easily be used as bait. Wait…let’s change that. Let’s say ‘enticement focus.’ Now, for my hobby, I prefer to use a solid titanium shopping cart. It is shiny, it is durable, and it can hold a hell of a lot of stuff. I can’t imagine that this will work on Ryan Reynolds though. He probably can afford his own shopping carts by this point. For him…you need to try to think what it is that he WOULD want.

Being a fellow Canadian, he is part of our commune, and therefore I have access to a detailed list of his hopes and dreams and his preferred objects of enticement focus. If possible, try to get hold of as many of the following items as possible:
1.    Men’s low rise jeans.
2.    Year supply of lean chicken breasts.
3.    Scripts for huge movies that will probably tank but have a loveable and quirky character who seems to always have amazing chemistry with any living creature within a 50’ radius.
4.    Combination shampoo/conditioner for extra volume.
5.    Fitted t-shirts.
6.    Beard trimmer.

Once you have these items, it is a mere matter of stalking and patience. I suggest camping outside of gyms and attractive people stores (What? They’re a thing…I go to them all the time). Leave these things in a big pile, but try your best to keep any cages or nets out of sight. If you absolutely have no choice and need to keep these things visible don’t worry too much. Keep the meat on top and he probably won’t even notice.

Once you have him in your clutches, you’re going to want to find a warm safe place to keep him. Make sure that he has access to sunlight and weights. He’s going to want to feel at home and that he’s in a safe, warm place. Find more scripts to keep him occupied and ask him about his abs whenever possible. Get him to talk about his memories of “2 Guys A Girl And A Pizza Place” (see if he can get hold of episodes for me and maybe give me a reason why it isn’t on DVD yet).

As for the sexening…well this is venturing into territory that I am unfamiliar with. I rarely have sex with my hobos. They have a tendency to try to steal my boots. Maybe let him know that you have boobs? That should probably work. Guys like boobs.
Best of luck to you!

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