Cheese In The Bag

I was recently traveling (regular, not time) and a jumbo jar of cheese whiz exploded in my suitcase.  there’s cheese whiz all over everything.  i already have a knife and bread in hand but other than that, what should i do?


First of all, I have a hard time believing that this could possibly happen to anyone. Cheez Whiz™  containers are nearly indestructible, and one of the safest petroleum based condiments known to man to transport.Now…if this were merely an imitation brand of a delicious spreadable cheese product, we would have an entirely different situation. Especially if the product was being transported, not in a suitcase, but in a pale green duffel bag that had the name ‘Chris Angel’ inscribed on the tag and the aforementioned bag was travelling from Ottawa to Windsor. In this specific set of circumstances then the odds of Catastrophic Cheese Product Rupture is almost a bankable certainty.

Hopefully, it is cold enough outside, you can just leave the duffel bag on your back porch and not have to deal with for a few days. This is what I did the preferred strategy. Doing this allows you to carry on for days as if nothing happened at all, and as if there wasn’t a bag filled with clothes that were covered in cheese on your back porch. Let it sit there for a few days and think about what it did whilst you carry on with your daily activities…such as trying to sleep while the bong stench is emanating from your roommate’s bedroom.

Eventually, after a week or two you are going to need to deal with the wild pack of raccoons that is now living on your back porch, wearing your collection of ironic t-shirts. I suggest a suitable distraction such as a backpack filled with someone else’s laundry and peanut butter. If hurled properly, this serves as an excellent distraction and will lure the furry bandits far enough away that you can safely grab your duffel bag/cheese harbinger.

Once you have attained the bag, be careful in opening it. It is going to smell awful. And I mean unexepectedly awful. Not many people know exactly what a bag filled with cheese covered clothes is going to smell like…but you have to trust me when I say that it is fricken funky. This task is also going to be exponentially more difficult if you have several roommates who are planning on standing around and just watching what you are doing while offering no assistance whatsoever and instead just offer commentary on your apparent lack of brain power and make suggestive comments regarding your parentage.

After your senses have sufficiently recovered from the cloud of cheese smell, it is time to start emptying that bag out. First, try to see if there is any salvageable cheese product left in there. If you can pick the shards of broken glass out, then you have orange spreadable gold there, my friend. Grab some handfuls of it and throw it into a tupperware container of some sort. Once the biggest chunks of cheese have been removed it is time for the cleaning.
For cleaning…you are going to want to use a garden hose and absolutely no soap of any kind. The soap won’t hurt anything, it is just an extra step and you are probably lazy. Hose down the bag and all affected clothing items inside. Try and scrub things around for awhile and see what happens. Maybe some of the cheese will come off. Probably not. Continue doing this for about half an hour or so. Then…throw it all away. Yup. Just get fed up with it and junk the whole thing, clothes and all, in the garbage.

Well…I hope that I have helped you, Vincent. You asshole.


One response to “Cheese In The Bag

  • vincent

    thanks angel. this was the most helpful advice i’ve received in a while. not in the way you might think though. i happened to read your response while at the doctors office. i tried my best to keep my laughter internal but by the time i got to the “suggestive comments regarding your parentage” part, tears were streaming down my face and i was twitching with suppressed mirth. this must have been wildly misinterpreted as extreme agony accompanied by seizure because i jumped the queue and was immediately called to see the doctor. you’re the best!

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