Ok Stupid Advice team, Manscaping. I’ve never had to do it before but my girlfriend keeps asking me about it. Can you help a brother out?

Ok Stupid Advice team, Manscaping. I’ve never had to do it before but my girlfriend keeps asking me about it. Can you help a brother out?

Geoff:

At the dawn of time, man and beast were both covered in hair. Then man started to do things like make fire, build houses and use computers (mostly to create moderen day cave drawings of our penises on our people’s facebook walls). Through the time between making fire and texting, we lost our body hair and started doing things like listening to our women instead of beating them over the head and dragging them back to our caves for delicious procreation sex. We call this progress.

Can I get pregnant from dry humping even when I’m on birth control and fully clothed?

My boyfriend and I do this thing where we dry hump while he’s wearing a condom so it’s an easy clean-up and so we don’t have to worry about the “pre.” I never take my pants off. However, the other day, the condom broke while at climax.. We cleaned it up immediately but I’m still worried I could somehow be pregnant. I am on birth control but I just want to see if anyone has an answer for my worries?

Geoff:

I’m really glad that you wrote in and asked us this question. It’s a shame that our sex ed classes in high school don’t address the specific situations that pop up in a young woman’s life. If we could have an open dialogue in our classrooms you would have known the risk immediately and known what to do.

Just thank god that you live in a world where you ask this type of question to the experts!

The fact of the matter is that you are probably pregnant. Yes, the pill has an effective kill rate of 99 percent to your boyfriend’s little army of clones. The problem is, they never tell you the actual numbers. Read on to have some facts lay on top of your mind and dry hump it.

The average population of sperm in one ejaculation is about 750 million. This is more than double the current total US population and should every one of these sperm find an egg you would have a very complicated pregnancy. As stated above, the pill is 99% effective. That means that about 8.5 million sperm survived to penetrate the clothes, make the climb up Mount Vagina and make camp under the stars of the Uterine sky.

That’s not all of the bad news. It’s a commonly known fact that clothing is a horrible pregnancy deterrent. My guess is that, as a best case scenario, 500,000 of the lazier sperm got distracted by the colorful fields of fabric on the way to the base of the mountain. They broke off, made camp and started a simpler life.

Sperm that aren’t going for the mountain can live up to thirty years, resist laundry detergents and, while getting stronger, can make a run at the mountain at any time. This is why it’s essential to burn anything the sperm could have made contact with.

Ok, so now you have 8 million sperm sitting under the Uterine sky waiting for nature to take its course. You should know the rest of what happens up there and I won’t bore you with the details, but basically you’re going to have a baby in 9 months. The odds are against you on this one.

If you ever have time to dry hump with a condom on while using birth control again, you should really consider a couple of key points that will prevent you from making a little baby until you are ready for him/her.

1)The most effective way to make sure nothing bad happens while engaging in activities like this is to dry hump from across the room. Do what you normally do, just do it from at least 15 feet apart. Please do not skimp on any of your birth control methods as they are still very important.

2)Once you are finished, he needs to encase himself up to his neck in a large trash bag or other plastic material immediately. You need to contain those little guys before they can get out. A small but powerful percentage of sperm can actually fly short distances so make sure this happens fast.

3)You must burn anything that he was in, on, near, around or even looked at, as it all could contain sperm sitting there biding their time. True birth control is expensive, be prepared for this.

4)Drink a lot of orange juice. This has nothing to do with your question, but it’s a good source of vitamin C and calcium, which is very important in a balanced diet.

With this advice, you’ll never have to panic like this again and you have the added health bonus of orange juice to help you through the first kid.

No need to thank me!

My girlfriend is very attractive; if she farted in a mason jar, would anybody buy it?

My girlfriend is very attractive; if she farted in a mason jar, would anybody buy it?

-Anonymous 

Geoff: These are the kinds of questions that the Your Stupid Advice team lives for. You, gentle reader, are sitting at home and you have an idea, maybe even a stroke of genius. What do you do with it? How do you even know it’s a brilliant idea? You came to the right place.The simple answer, of course, is yes. I know I would love to add your girlfriend’s canned flatulence to my wall of quirky collectibles. It would fit perfectly in between the coffee can of toe nails that I secretly clipped off of attractive women while they slept and my scrap book of padding I cut out of women’s bras after going through their trash.

Yes, a hermetically sealed cloud of hot woman ass stink would be a perfect pick-me-up on a horrible day. I know I would be a repeat customer since I have a high number of horrible days. But why stop there? You own the factory, the production line, and distribution. If there’s one person willing to buy this there are a million.

What you need to do is brand your product. You have the basics of a powerful business but you need to find a way to deliver the product to your fans.

First, I suggest coming up with a classy name, something like Whiff Of Crass, Flaxcellence or Ode Della Puzza (Italian for fart). Find the name, own the name, tell everyone about it.

Next, You have to make sure your girlfriend’s hotness is a universal truth. It’s a well known fact that a woman’s (or a man’s for that matter) hotness goes up when sex is on the table so you need to invest in an independent panel of disinterested people. She needs to average a 9 or higher to move forward because if you’re going to sell her farts, she has to be really hot.

If she doesn’t meet the hotness criteria, just find someone else’s photo and use that instead. Google “hot woman” and you should get as many results as you can handle.

Another key point is your investment into the project. You have to make sure you have beans and a mason jar on hand at ANY TIME. Every fart that escapes is money out of your pocket. You might want to look into some sort of gas storage system she can wear when she goes out to a party so you don’t miss any of your product. I’m thinking an airbag glued to her rump with a valve on the back would work; when it inflates, it’s time to go home.

These are some basic guidelines for you but why stop here?  If you follow the rules above you’ll do OK but you really need to start thinking big picture. These are some of the things you need to be thinking of:

1)Why not start capturing her burps as well? Those are going to happen with all the gas inducing food you’re going to feed her.

2)How about taking a swipe of her armpits after she works out and putting the rag in a jar? I know I would like a whiff of her pits on a hot summer day.

3)Think even larger: Start developing an army of farters to do all of the above and send you the jars for distribution.

This will provide a larger variety of women, diets, smells and situations. You could start a Perfumery type of retail store where a customer can come in an mix a fart from a southern girl on a train with her mom in the south of France with an imported, rare Ethiopian Mountain Dew induced burp from the Eritrean Highlands during the fall. The combinations are endless; so is the profit.

Anyway, I hope that I’ve given you some food for thought, or, should I say, some food for fart. Please let us know how you have moved forward with the idea and, as always, we wish you good luck.

No need to thank me!

What are some good questions to ask my boyfriend?

We have nothing to talk about.

Kathy:

You are so smart to be asking this question. And the fact that you are already asking questions means what I am about to advise you to do will be very easy for you.

My advice to you is to ask your boyfriend a lot of questions. Guys don’t like to talk a lot, especially about themselves and all the amazing things they do all day and how awesome they are in general. This is why you have to do a lot of the talking. But you don’t want to sound self-absorbed, so you need to fill the silences with questions. Questions make you sound like you’re interested in him, you’re intelligent and you’re curious. These are great qualities to emulate. So start asking.

Following are questions guys love to be asked. These inquiries will certainly get conversations half started with your boyfriend. You, of course, will not let him actually finish a reply to any of these questions because if you don’t interrupt him and ask more questions, he will think you are bored or too stupid to understand what he’s saying.

1. Do I look fat?
They love this question. You can even get creative and construct variances by being specific about why you might get fat. For this reason, this question will never get old.

2. How do you like my haircut?
This is an especially important question if he has failed to mention your haircut. He probably thinks you’re self-conscious about it, so he’s waiting for you to bring it up so he can shower you with compliments.

3. Where is this relationship going?
This is another great question. Relationship conversations always make guys feel like you are very into them and this type of question makes you seem very wise and mature. Don’t interrupt too soon with this one. He needs to have time to really think about it so he can feel like he’s being as wise and mature as you are.

4. Am I a good kisser?
This question shows him that you want to be the best you can be around him and that you are interested in pleasing him. Extra bonus points can be awarded if he’s creative enough to come up with comparison examples for you.

5. Am I prettier than your last girlfriend?
This is the perfect way to show him you are interested in his ENTIRE life. You know that his past makes him who he is and that means you want to hear all about it.

6. Do you like my sister?
You should give him a chance to show his interest in you by talking about how he feels about members of your family. Families and significant others should get along, so it’s important to find out how much he likes your sister.

7. If I said it was ok, would you make out with another girl? If so, whom?
These kinds of “what if” questions give him a chance to really exercise his critical thinking skills and show off his colorful brain feathers to you. Plus, questions like these give you a chance to form your imaginary life together and bring you closer.

8. What do you think about while you masturbate?
Another question which reveals your high level of maturity and intense interest in your boyfriend and his well-being. Besides, he wants to tell you about this and is just waiting for a sign from you that you want to hear it. And you may get a chance to give him some ideas and be a part of something that is very important to him.

This is just the tip of the question iceberg, but you get the idea. Keep ‘em coming fast and furious and you’ll have that boyfriend wrapped around your finger in no time.

And, remember, the fun thing about boyfriend questions is that there are always wrong answers. This makes Q&A time a super fun game to play again and again.

All the best!

How do I keep my neck beard from getting irritated? -Jason Lawhorn

Geoff-

About 10 years ago I met the woman of my dreams and promptly did everything I could to annoy her until she wanted to leave me. Fortunately, this woman had the rare combination of incredible good looks and amazing patience so instead of leaving, she married me.

Needless to say, I’ve had 10 years of experience on how to irritate and, like any martial art, I simultaneously learned how NOT to irritate as well. I’m sure there’s an ancient Chinese yin and yang proverb that would fit here but I don’t have time to Google it and no one gets those anyway. One hand clapping? Whatever.

Anyway, here are some suggestions on how to not irritate your neck beard.

1)Do the dishes. When your neck beard comes home from work and sees that ever-growing mountain of dishes piling precariously in the sink and spilling out to the counters on either side, it  gets stressed out. Add to it the Thai food from last week and the Italian take-out you just had to have that’s rotting at dish layer six creating a plume of noxious gas and it’s almost grounds to leave you.

2)Take your beard for a walk. There’s nothing a beard craves more than the fresh open air of the great wild. Beards were sprouted in the mid-1800s as Lewis and Clark started modern civilization by creating the hot air balloon and flying it to Russia to start the first power plant. The reason that first beard grew out of Clark’s chin was that it needed to feel free and adventurous. Remind your beard of where it came from. While you are out on your walk make sure you hide behind bushes, roll on the grass ninja style and throw things to make your beard feel more beardly.

3)Avoid drum circles, knitted hats, Tom’s shoes and any other object that fits into the hipster lifestyle. As stated above, the beard was invented with flannel shirts, wood axes and an impossibly long day’s work in mind. If your beard even has a hint that it’s being mocked it will retreat back into your face and irritate your skin.

4)Never get it wet (unless you’re going to shave it off) and never, NEVER feed it after midnight.

5)Your beard doesn’t care about Foursquare, checking in or what you had for dinner. Stop trying to make it understand and just do it while your beard is in the restroom.

These are obviously just some ideas on how to stop irritating your neck beard. Remember, it’s a sensitive piece of manquipment and can be put off pretty easily. Show a little respect and mutual admiration and I’m sure you’ll see a change in attitude!

No need to thank me!

Does it mean anything if you catch a girl staring at you a lot?

just noticed i catch her eyes looking at me quite a bit every time we go to class, idk if its just random or if its me looking at her or
what..But we do make eye contact quite a bit but never speak.

Sean:

Great question. We should start by breaking down exactly what it is you said there. The most important part of that question is, as you so eloquently put it; “idk if its just random or if its me looking at her or what.” The answer is, no. It’s not just random. You’ve got her in the palm of your hand.

You see, when you started staring at her, she may not even have noticed you at all. As your classes went on, she started noticing your gaze burning into the back of her head. She knew she was being watched like a yearling gazelle by a hungry cheetah, and it inspired feelings in her that she never knew she had. Now before you get all excited, you need to realize what it is you’re dealing with here. This doesn’t mean you should go walk up and say hi, or offer to buy her lunch. It doesn’t mean you’ve got a shot at taking her to a school dance or your friend’s keg party. You, my friend, have perfect stalker form and this girl is going crazy for it.

There are a few minor changes you’re going to need to make to your lifestyle if you really want to get her attention. She may seem like a normal, well-adjusted girl making some friendly eye contact across the room, but believe me, she’s testing you. She’s baiting you to see if you’ll crack a sweet smile, repulsing her, or if you’ll lock into a full-on nightmare gaze, sending electric shivers down her spine.

#1: Eye Contact

More. Lots more. You should only ever be taking your eyes off her for important class notes, though it is preferred to copy a friend’s notes after class, as diligently doing schoolwork may tarnish your image as a lurking super-stud. Chewing pencils however, is spot on! Keep your line of sight directly on her at all possible times. When she does look back at you, tense your shoulders up and attempt to twitch your left eyebrow fervently. (Practice in front of a mirror a few times before trying this move out!)

#2: Daily Planning

Let’s face it. As things are right now, you get one, two hours tops with this girl. You may feel like that’s enough but if you want to keep this little lady, you’ve got to be more flexible with your schedule. The hours that she spends outside of this class and away from you are painful for her, believe me. Nothing short of a living hell. Solve this by doing some simple footwork and learning her agenda. Most things should be easy to find out if you steal her day planner, photocopy it and return it to her bag. (Bonus points if you misted it with a hint of your favorite cologne!) This way, you’ll be able to make that same wonderful eye contact from her band practice, friend’s backyard swimming pool, or even from her bedroom closet late at night when she’s being coy and pretending to sleep. Women love a man who can be everywhere at once, and you have the power to make that dream come true.

#3: Wardrobe Choices

If you’re a typical student, you probably wear the same sort of fashions as most of your friends. I don’t blame you at all but if you really want to stand out to her, you’re going to need to invest in a good pair of thick, rainbow suspenders. Not only do they keep your pants up like a dream, but they’ll grab her attention and grip it tighter by the minute. She won’t be able to take her eyes off of you. Then, and only then, you will lean forward, fire up that eyebrow, and calmly mouth the words “You looked like you had fun at the Seether concert last Wednesday.” For best effect, this staggeringly powerful combo should be done while wearing beige-tinted prescription eyeglasses.

Follow this triple-play strategy and you can take things to the next level with this special lady. Girls are people just like you and me, and they want nothing more than to feel the omniscient presence of your undying obsession. Good luck, creep.

Sean is a Canadian icon of being a slightly good at many different things. These moderately useful skills have earned him such recognition as “That nice fellow who held the door for me at Starbucks” and “The guy with the black hair who tips well at sushi restaurants.” Sean lives at home in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan with a small wooden horse that has not yet been named. The accounts of his madness can be witnessed firsthand at http://twitter.com/SeanBlazed

Why does my TV randomly turn off?

Hello. I have an LG 50PK550 plasma that I received used about 2 months ago. Everything was going fine, until just a few days ago the TV started turning off without warning while in use. Any Advice on how to make it stay on?

Geoff:

I’ve watched enough movies to be an expert on this type of problem. In my experience, this is a very simple problem with a simple solution. The fact of the matter is that there is nothing at all wrong with your TV, there’s something very wrong with you.

After extensive research on the subject (meaning I watched the Paranormal Activity trilogy back-to-back), you have a classic case of the haunties. Somewhere in your distant past, one of your ancestors sold their soul to a demon for their generation’s version of an iPhone 4S.

And now you have to pay the price.

Sure, now it’s a TV, but next week it’s a TV and your dog barking at something invisible across the room. Then it’s all of those things plus the stove turning on and pots falling from the rack. By this time next year you are going to be living in an anti-gravity war zone with everything just floating around the house like a giant snow globe.

A lot of people would go out and hire a spooky religious nut or some Spanish speaking person who knows their way around a stick of sage. Not you though, not you. You came to a place where you can get real answers and I will not let you down.

There are two ways to handle this, both described below:

1) Build a time machine and go back to whoever traded your family’s name for a crossbow or fire. Of course this will take a while but hey, you are now in possession of a TIME MACHINE…You can literally manufacture time!

2) Set yourself on fire.

The last one seems drastic and, besides, you’ll just be passing the evil demon energy on to the next person in your family anyway, but at least you won’t have to deal with it. If you survive, the demon will probably respect you a lot more any way. You might even make friends with it and go on evil demon dates where you do dark arts on innocent bystanders.

Take a moment to imagine how cool it would be to have a demon sidekick.

No need to thank me.

Olive oil treatment for hair?

Olive oil treatment for hair? I wanna do the treatment,cause my friend does it.  I just wanna know how to do it,and what benefits it does for your hair,like what does it do to your hair. i know that it makes it more healthy but what else? and how to do it, can someone please help me?

Shari:

As you may know, olive oil has been prized for centuries for its miriad uses from oiling olives to facilitating female bonding in kiddie pools. Your friend has obviously discovered that it also works miracles when applied to hair.

The treatment itself is very simple. First, shave your head. Collect the trimmings in a sturdy stock pot. Then select a high-quality oil. We do not recommend the extra virgin variety unless you are a nun or a Star Trek fan. A good olive oil will have a cartoon of a fat, Italian chef who looks vaguely like Super Mario on the label. Add three cups of oil to the pot, four cloves of garlic, salt, pepper and the still-beating heart of your enemy (optional). Simmer on low for 4-5 days. Then pour the mixture onto your scalp and wrap in plastic. The tingling means it’s working! Or you didn’t let it cool and now have 3^rd degree scalp burns. Now, spin around three times, stare into a mirror and say, “I’m a fucking idiot.” Make sure to enunciate.

You’re almost there! At that point, remove the mixture from your head. Shower. Get dressed, and then enroll in a class that teaches basic grammar and spelling. You can find one at any community college. By the time you pass the class (for you, this may include repeating it several times) your cue ball melon head should look like a well cared for, 3-week-old Chia Pet. The new growth will be lustrous and shiny like steel wool.

The benefits of this treatment should become clear almost immediately. First of all, you’ll find out who your real friends are (if you had any). In addition, some people will think you are a cancer victim and give you free stuff.

I sincerely hope this helps. Thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule of reading Snooki’s book and blowing truckers in rest area bathrooms to write in.

Shari VanderWerf is a stand-up comedian and writer from Boston, MA. If it’s true that life begins at 40, she’s the filthiest five-year-old you’ve ever met. Listed among the Top 50 funny people on Twitter as ranked by Favstar.com, Shari was also recommended to readers by The Huffington Post. Her humor can be enjoyed daily through her Twitter feed at www.twitter.com/shariv67 or catching her performances at comedy clubs across the U.S. For more information, please go tohttp://www.sharivanderwerf.com.

Exactly what would be the best method in kidnapping Ryan Reynolds to be my sex slave?

-ericarosie

Chris:

Well…I don’t want to give the impression that I’m an expert in kidnapping or endorse it in any way, but I do have quite an extensive collection of hobos who I have living out in the pump house behind the vegetable garden. My years of gathering them has afforded me an insight that I feel could be quite helpful with your problem.

The big trick once you’ve identified your target is determining what it is that could easily be used as bait. Wait…let’s change that. Let’s say ‘enticement focus.’ Now, for my hobby, I prefer to use a solid titanium shopping cart. It is shiny, it is durable, and it can hold a hell of a lot of stuff. I can’t imagine that this will work on Ryan Reynolds though. He probably can afford his own shopping carts by this point. For him…you need to try to think what it is that he WOULD want.

Being a fellow Canadian, he is part of our commune, and therefore I have access to a detailed list of his hopes and dreams and his preferred objects of enticement focus. If possible, try to get hold of as many of the following items as possible:
1.    Men’s low rise jeans.
2.    Year supply of lean chicken breasts.
3.    Scripts for huge movies that will probably tank but have a loveable and quirky character who seems to always have amazing chemistry with any living creature within a 50’ radius.
4.    Combination shampoo/conditioner for extra volume.
5.    Fitted t-shirts.
6.    Beard trimmer.

Once you have these items, it is a mere matter of stalking and patience. I suggest camping outside of gyms and attractive people stores (What? They’re a thing…I go to them all the time). Leave these things in a big pile, but try your best to keep any cages or nets out of sight. If you absolutely have no choice and need to keep these things visible don’t worry too much. Keep the meat on top and he probably won’t even notice.

Once you have him in your clutches, you’re going to want to find a warm safe place to keep him. Make sure that he has access to sunlight and weights. He’s going to want to feel at home and that he’s in a safe, warm place. Find more scripts to keep him occupied and ask him about his abs whenever possible. Get him to talk about his memories of “2 Guys A Girl And A Pizza Place” (see if he can get hold of episodes for me and maybe give me a reason why it isn’t on DVD yet).

As for the sexening…well this is venturing into territory that I am unfamiliar with. I rarely have sex with my hobos. They have a tendency to try to steal my boots. Maybe let him know that you have boobs? That should probably work. Guys like boobs.
Best of luck to you!

How do I stop my cats from having having angry intercourse at night?

I can’t sleep.

Jeremy:
Ah, nocturnal felinication. I know it well. Keeping cats from having sex at night is a difficult task. I tried what my parents did to my lady partners when I was younger and showed slides of them when they were kittens and told embarrassing stories of them urinating in wicker baskets, to no avail.

I have also tried lowering their libidos by showing the new MTV show “4 and Pregnant,” featuring an all feline cast. These females should realize that after they drop their litters, the male cat is just going to go lay around, not get a job and lick his own testicles.

If it’s only angry intercourse that you’re trying to avoid, perhaps you should look into enticing your cats into being more gentle lovers. Try filling your home at night with the gentle sounds of Michael Bolton, Kenny G, or Lionel Ritche. Cats love that shit and it’s easy to fall asleep to for humans. However, if you don’t own any music by these artists, I strongly advise you stay away from any hipster crap. Nobody wants indie-hipster cats. Trust me, nobody. You’re looking for gentle cat sex, not awkward cat sex. That’s even louder.

But, if you’re looking to stop it all together – and I mean a full blown halt to feline relations entirely – there is but one solution. It’s an alternative taken by the most desperate cat owners. It’s a step that strikes fear in the hearts of both cats and dogs alike. It’s the iron-clad kitty prophylactic.

Photographs of Bob Barker.

Think about it. The very face of Bob Barker is the opposite of sexy to animals around the globe. Every time they see him, they think about anything but sex. They think of all the snipping that he initiated with his skinny microphone reminders day in and day out. It’s a kitty coitus mouse trap.

Best of luck to those who look to end your restless nights filled with the trailer park antics of your animals. I hope my advice proves helpful and insightful.

At least until cat beds have padded headboards.

Jeremy Bingaman
Radio “personality” and cat whisperer
Twitter: @iowaradioguy