How do I stop my cats from having having angry intercourse at night?

I can’t sleep.

Jeremy:
Ah, nocturnal felinication. I know it well. Keeping cats from having sex at night is a difficult task. I tried what my parents did to my lady partners when I was younger and showed slides of them when they were kittens and told embarrassing stories of them urinating in wicker baskets, to no avail.

I have also tried lowering their libidos by showing the new MTV show “4 and Pregnant,” featuring an all feline cast. These females should realize that after they drop their litters, the male cat is just going to go lay around, not get a job and lick his own testicles.

If it’s only angry intercourse that you’re trying to avoid, perhaps you should look into enticing your cats into being more gentle lovers. Try filling your home at night with the gentle sounds of Michael Bolton, Kenny G, or Lionel Ritche. Cats love that shit and it’s easy to fall asleep to for humans. However, if you don’t own any music by these artists, I strongly advise you stay away from any hipster crap. Nobody wants indie-hipster cats. Trust me, nobody. You’re looking for gentle cat sex, not awkward cat sex. That’s even louder.

But, if you’re looking to stop it all together – and I mean a full blown halt to feline relations entirely – there is but one solution. It’s an alternative taken by the most desperate cat owners. It’s a step that strikes fear in the hearts of both cats and dogs alike. It’s the iron-clad kitty prophylactic.

Photographs of Bob Barker.

Think about it. The very face of Bob Barker is the opposite of sexy to animals around the globe. Every time they see him, they think about anything but sex. They think of all the snipping that he initiated with his skinny microphone reminders day in and day out. It’s a kitty coitus mouse trap.

Best of luck to those who look to end your restless nights filled with the trailer park antics of your animals. I hope my advice proves helpful and insightful.

At least until cat beds have padded headboards.

Jeremy Bingaman
Radio “personality” and cat whisperer
Twitter: @iowaradioguy

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