How do I keep my neck beard from getting irritated? -Jason Lawhorn

Geoff-

About 10 years ago I met the woman of my dreams and promptly did everything I could to annoy her until she wanted to leave me. Fortunately, this woman had the rare combination of incredible good looks and amazing patience so instead of leaving, she married me.

Needless to say, I’ve had 10 years of experience on how to irritate and, like any martial art, I simultaneously learned how NOT to irritate as well. I’m sure there’s an ancient Chinese yin and yang proverb that would fit here but I don’t have time to Google it and no one gets those anyway. One hand clapping? Whatever.

Anyway, here are some suggestions on how to not irritate your neck beard.

1)Do the dishes. When your neck beard comes home from work and sees that ever-growing mountain of dishes piling precariously in the sink and spilling out to the counters on either side, it  gets stressed out. Add to it the Thai food from last week and the Italian take-out you just had to have that’s rotting at dish layer six creating a plume of noxious gas and it’s almost grounds to leave you.

2)Take your beard for a walk. There’s nothing a beard craves more than the fresh open air of the great wild. Beards were sprouted in the mid-1800s as Lewis and Clark started modern civilization by creating the hot air balloon and flying it to Russia to start the first power plant. The reason that first beard grew out of Clark’s chin was that it needed to feel free and adventurous. Remind your beard of where it came from. While you are out on your walk make sure you hide behind bushes, roll on the grass ninja style and throw things to make your beard feel more beardly.

3)Avoid drum circles, knitted hats, Tom’s shoes and any other object that fits into the hipster lifestyle. As stated above, the beard was invented with flannel shirts, wood axes and an impossibly long day’s work in mind. If your beard even has a hint that it’s being mocked it will retreat back into your face and irritate your skin.

4)Never get it wet (unless you’re going to shave it off) and never, NEVER feed it after midnight.

5)Your beard doesn’t care about Foursquare, checking in or what you had for dinner. Stop trying to make it understand and just do it while your beard is in the restroom.

These are obviously just some ideas on how to stop irritating your neck beard. Remember, it’s a sensitive piece of manquipment and can be put off pretty easily. Show a little respect and mutual admiration and I’m sure you’ll see a change in attitude!

No need to thank me!