So this kid i’ve known for so long is 2 years older than me. I saw him at the first football game of the season and we talked. I reallly want to kiss him or maybe makeout with him soooooooooo bad. But i dont want to make the first move. The next home football game is in 2 weeks, how can i get him to kiss me then?!?!?!?! Also, i don’t like him, i just think he is really hot.
–Horny teenage girl
Bridget Moynahan, is that you? Oh sweetie, Tom Brady is with Gisele now and yeah he may be kinda hot, but that haircut isn’t doing him any favors… let him go.
Oh, just saw that 2 years older part, sorry about that, I’m back on track now. First off, good on you for not wasting your time on the annoying superficial qualities like intelligence or a sense of humor. I know girls say that’s what they want in a guy, but girls also say they were “so busy they forgot to eat anything” and as far as I know, a pint of chunky monkey in the back seat of your car using the lid as a shovel spoon counts. In other words, girls lie. But not you. That’s something that might handicap you later in life, actually (practice smiling in a mirror now and repeating “no, you’re totally right, boss”), but for now, your honesty is only helping.
So now let me be honest with you.
How do you get a boy to notice you?
It’s a multi-step process, but I promise you this, it’s not hard. Here you go:
First off, there’s a magic not-so-secret that you’ll need to learn very soon: boys like boobs. Doesn’t matter if you’re a “D” or an “A” or a “Z” or some Greek letter, your cup size aside, there’s some man out there who thinks what you have is perfect and that man is right, it is. Invest now in a tight v-neck, a good bra and practice the shoulders back, chin down, eyes up, lip pout. This move is a girl’s gold card, it’ll get you anything you want.
Now then, dressed as per above, you’re off to the races, or the football races, or whatever it’s called.
Step 1: Ignore him. Know how you want to kiss him soooooooooo bad? Take it down a couple hundred “o’s.” Instead of gushing about how much you liked that last Facebook pic he posted of his dog wearing a whipped cream hat and sitting on his brother’s skateboard, try hesitating for a moment like you might have just forgotten his name.
Step 2: Find some other boys, make them hang around you, laugh. There’s a reason that whole “thou shalt not covet your neighbors’ stuff” thing is in the bible and, say, “thou shalt not buy tickets to a live acid jazz concert” is not. We’re only told not to do the things we almost can’t help but do. If a bunch of boys want you, chances are, he’s going to wonder if there’s something about you he should have been noticing himself.
Step 3: Once you’ve got his attention with your sparkling disinterest, throw the poor boy a bone. Smile at him, then look away. If you’re near him, tell him it’s cold and grab his hat, or scarf. Giggle.
Step 4: A little more ignoring.
Step 5: Find an excuse to get him alone. You forgot something in the car, can he help? You need him to show you where the concession stand is. Hey, wonder what’s under these bleachers?
Step 6: Profit.
Congratulations. Now that you’ve mastered getting a boy interested in you, I only ask that you use this skill for good: world peace, free drinks and if you can swing it, an occasional vacation home or stock option. A girl’s gotta get hers.