Every year there’s an office Halloween party, and of course there’s inappropriate costumes. Susie from accounting always has something that elicits:
a: Did you see what that slut is wearing?! from a few coworkers.
b: A litany of sexual acts that they would like to perform with Susie from accounting, and of course which they are sure she is up for. From the boss and a few other neanderthals who somehow think I want to hear this.
So how do I get her to wear something appropriate? Even on Halloween I don’t think I should have to know what color thong she is wearing just because I work in the same office.
The fact of the matter is, you can talk to Santa all you want, the guy isn’t going to stop eating cookies or drinking milk. The same can be said about the costumes Susie from accounting wears and there isn’t much you can do about it. She’s probably just relieved that one day a year she doesn’t have to go home and change before going out.
In this life, the only person you can change is yourself. You can’t change the mind of an inappropriate number cruncher or the neanderthals who drool over her. Nope, the only one in your control is YOU.
That’s why, this Halloween, you’re going to out-shine Susie and shut her clam up once and for all.
I know what you are thinking: “hey, answer person, don’t you know that I’m a guy?” The answer to your question is yes, I know you are male, but that in no way should stop you from living your dreams.
Much like Martin Luther King Jr., you have a dream of an appropriately dressed work place and, also like MLK, you have the anger and vindictiveness to fight fire with fire. MLK would never let gender stop him from making a sarcastic and vengeful point and neither will you.
You need to go to the slut store (Forever 21) and get the shortest, see-through skirt you can find. This will take more effort than you might think because the store is chock full of short skirts and you need the sluttiest one they make. If you run into an issue ask one of your fellow slutty shoppers, they’ll help you. You can always pick them out by the mixed smell of Trident gum, Beauty perfume by Britney Spears and Aquanet (this last one is applicable to readers in New Jersey only).
Also, pick up some duct tape. I’m guessing you know what that’s for, but if you don’t, just remember that a drummer always puts his sticks away.
On the way into work on the 31st, stop by the makeup counter at Macy’s and tell them you want a blend of Courtney Love and Amy Winehouse (the alive version). This particular combination was highlighted in the June issue of Slutastic magazine, a division of Cosmo, and seems very appropriate for this occasion.
By the time you walk in, completely transformed into your combat slut suit, all eyes will be on you. No one will be looking at Susie in accounting and the neanderthals will have nothing to say. The best part is, if anyone complains about your costume, the office policy will be changed to address non-slut attire, so, MeetingBoy, looks like you win either way!
With answers like this maybe we should take the “Stupid” out of Your Stupid Advice!