How do I convince my boyfriend to remove his chest hair?

I really don’t like his chest hair. I have asked him so many times to get it waxed, but he does not want to remove it.

Kathy: 

The answer is simple. Continue to put sticky stuff in his chest hair so he has no other choice but to shave it.

Trust me, sticky stuff is the nemesis of hair. I lost more beautiful, blond locks to watermelon Bubble Yum as a child than I care to admit. You get enough gum in there, and no amount of peanut butter will keep the scissors away.

The humanity!

But now I see how this Sticky Stuff vs. Hair discord can work to your benefit. And in a very fun way.

The key is sex. It’s time to get creative in the boudoir. Just start small and work your way up the sticky scale. Tonight, when it’s time to get intimate, suggest spicing things up a bit, then head for the kitchen. (Guys will pretty much let you do anything as long as they get to have sex.)

Grab some honey. Honey is sweet, it feels good and it’s sticky. Drizzle the honey on his chest and play with it lightly with your fingers. You have to make it feel good while you’re rubbing it into his chest hair as much as possible.

Then have him go try to clean it off. This will be the start of his chest hair frustration. (Also, girlfriend to girlfriend here, if his chest is that hairy, you’re not gonna want to take care of it yourself.)

Tomorrow night, tell him how much fun you had the night before and ask if you can try something new. He might resist a bit based on the honey thing, and if he does, make a blindfold part of the activity.

Hopefully, during the day you stopped at the store to pick up other sticky items. I recommend egg whites, Karo syrup, jelly, marshmallow cream and other such foodstuffs.

Once again, gently rub the food items into his chest, in a way that feels good but will ultimately be difficult to remove.

On the third night, you’re going to have to just go for it. Make some time to hit the hardware store for wood glue, cement sealer, wall putty and caulk. When he asks what this evening’s new game will be just say, “I want you to be surprised, but you can be sure it will involve caulk.” It sounds the same, so he’ll never know.

You should have made a mixture of all of these sticky items for use as your final chest hair foe. But be careful! You must apply this mixture with a putty knife while wearing gloves. (You should probably blindfold Hairy McFurry again).

The good news is, the sound of you snapping on the rubber gloves will excite him and the cold steel of the putty knife on his skin will send him over the edge.

Here is where you need to be extra prepared. When it’s time to clean up, the chest hair will be a nasty, matted mess. Soap and water won’t work. Peanut butter won’t work. Paint thinner won’t work. A blow torch won’t work.

It’s time for that shave.

You must, (and this is important because he will be desperate at this point) you must be ready with an electric razor. You must capitalize on his desperation by being right there and ready to go. He should not have time to consider any other options. The calm buzzing sound of the razor will soothe his nerves and smooth his chest.

That’s all there is to it.

And, seriously, if that doesn’t work, I’m telling you, watermelon Bubble Yum. That stuff bonds to hair like it’s gotta re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere.

All the best!

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: