So I smell pizza in my house, but I can’t find it?!? [sic]where could it be.[sic]

Kathy:

Since this is an advice blog, I feel compelled to give you advice. Also because I have no idea where your house is and, therefore, no way of knowing where the pizza is, I can’t actually answer what you ask.

But, I can help you with your life.

(And if you believe that, I can also help you purchase some lovely beachfront property in Iowa.)

If you smell pizza where there is no pizza, you should consider visiting some kind of therapist or Weight Watchers® counselor. Immediately. Forget the pizza and go. You could be experiencing Cheeselucinations.

Cheeselucinations are a serious side effect of loving pizza WAY too much. I know. I’ve had them.

I love pizza. I could eat pizza every day. I love every pizza from every pizza place. I love loaded pizzas. I love plain pizzas. I even love frozen pizzas. I love pizza pockets, pizza bites, pizza rolls, pizza bagels, pizza minis, pizza pouches, pizza snacks…

The list could go on into infinity. As long as there is pizza in infinity. (If not, screw infinity. I’ll wait for the movie.)

When you love pizza as much as I love pizza, eventually all you can think about is pizza. It consumes you. It haunts your every thought and dream. Your senses become filled with pizza.

You see pizza wherever you look. You hear pizza in every sound. You feel pizza on all you touch. You taste pizza in all you eat. And? You smell pizza with every whiff.

When I started this post, I planned to encourage you to seek counseling. I was going to give you some tricks and home remedies you could try. I was going to explain how to go about choosing the best therapist (or dietician). I was even going to suggest attending one of those comedy shows featuring some witty hypnotist for a free session of hypnosis.

But I can’t do that to you. It’s too painful. It’s too hard. After years of very specialized therapy and expensive treatments from doctors and scientists who are apparently pretty damn proud of what they do (thank you very much), I feel I must tell you that the only cure is…pizza.

My advice is to FIND THAT PIZZA!

Maybe check the chimney. Sometimes Santa is having a snack and he can’t always finish it before he gets to your house, so he just leaves a little bit of it in the flue for later. If you left him a lot of cookies, he may have been full and forgotten his ‘za.

Also, I just did a search for your house. I’m on my way. If I find the pizza first, I’m totally eating it.

All the best!

All hail Pizza the Hut!

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One response to “So I smell pizza in my house, but I can’t find it?!? [sic]where could it be.[sic]

  • Vinnie

    I love pizza, too! To me, a pizza pocket is a large pocket on clothing designated to hold pieces of pizza. I continue to think about pizza WHILE I’m eating pizza. The world would be a better place if more people ate more pizza. I created the No Pizza Left Behind Act. I never met a pizza I didn’t like.

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