Hi Crack pot team, any thoughts on how Yahoo is to stay in business on account of the fact that I have never heard anyone say “just Yahoo it”?

– Jason

Geoff:

This doesn’t really fit our model for personal advice questions so I have to interpret this as you sit on the board of directors of Yahoo and you need our expert advice on how to become a larger competitor to Google (and possibly find a new CEO). Don’t worry, I understand that you can’t confirm that, but I’m totally clear about what’s going on here.

In order to protect you, and me, I’ll have to answer you in metaphor.

Imagine yourself in a freezing tundra. You’re walking around, looking for food in holes. Rats and squirrels and stuff.  That’s all there is in a tundra, holes, and rocks and other ground-type things and the animals that live amongst them. I’m saying there are no trees. That’s the point here. NO TREES.

There are lots of holes, but you can only get into big holes because of your large paws. Oh, I forgot to mention, you’re a bear. You’re a cold, hungry bear in the tundra. With me so far?

Then, you see a unicorn. A majestic, stunning unicorn that’s currently shitting a large rainbow made out of golden silk. Except, you’re a bear, so all you see is a shiny, colorful  dinner. So you crouch down, and make your way over to the unicorn to eat it.

The unicorn sees you, and instead of running, it says “here, have a cream puff.” Because all unicorns have cream puffs in their pouches. I also forgot to mention that, in this metaphor, unicorns are marsupials. Marsupials who speak English. Like you. A bear.

You take the cream puff, and not knowing what a cream puff is (you’re a bear, after all), you cram it in a hole to see if it scares out a rat.

It doesn’t.

The unicorn floats away and you’re stuck with your cream puff jammed into a hole in the ground next to a steaming pile of fresh unicorn rainbow shit, still hungry and now some what pissed off.

What’s the moral of the story?

Hire me as your CEO and you’ll find out.

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One response to “Hi Crack pot team, any thoughts on how Yahoo is to stay in business on account of the fact that I have never heard anyone say “just Yahoo it”?

  • Jason

    You’re hired! As a consultant… hypothetically of course, that is to say if I were a director on the board of Yahoo, you’d be not-so-gainfully employed. Unfortunately, as I’m not empowered to hire any new staff (due to hypothetical budget constraints) as a hungry hypothetical talking bear I am left to ponder the age old question: “Does a unicorn shit rainbows in a Tundra?”

    After considerable thought and face pulling agony, the only logical conclusion I am able to arrive at, is that of course they do, I mean where else would rainbows and cream puffs come from?

    Notwithstanding the obvious origin of rainbows and cream puffs, you have, however solved and answered the conundrum. Essentially, hungry bears should stay focused on the game plan if we (and by we I obviously mean “they”) are to put the proverbial juicy marsupials on the table. Chasing down rainbows in the hope of soliciting cream puffs from potentially constipated unicorns will simple no longer find its way on the agenda. This bear should have realised this ages ago, I mean unicorns have been extinct for over 10 years already now. I guess sometimes it just takes someone to point out the obvious.

    Appreciate the time and effort it has taken to answer this burning question for a group of skinny directors I dont know.

    Kind regards

    Jason

    P.S my yahoo mail box is full, almost… ok it doesnt really work that well when I’m sent attachments, but I rest assured that it is on a hypothetical agenda to be tabled and sorted out in the not to distant future.

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