Do you allow shoes in your house? I am moving into a new house with very light colored carpeting and want to keep it clean. I have never lived in a house that has a rule to remove shoes at the door and want to know how to start. What do you do with guests and friends?
Chris:
You have asked an excellent question, my friend, and since I have about three minutes of deep thought to put into this answer before my dinner is finished reheating in the microwave, I am here to help!
Stupid Advice people, I understand that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But what should I do if I have two birds in my hand and there’s a squirrel in the bush? Please answer quickly as this is happening to me right now. I typed this on my phone with one hand and I’m very scared of squirrels.
Geoff:
This is a simple question of economics. The value of any given bird is based upon the limited number of available birds as a whole.The more birds there are, the less each bird is actually worth. If you have 2 birds in your hand, and there are none in the bush, then the birds’ value is going to rise infinitely. In a large scale economy, we would need to count the bushes and birds in the bushes but for our purposes here that’s irrelevant.
Now let’s talk about the squirrel. The squirrel is clearly a foreign currency. The bird price is based on the avian market and the squirrel price is based on the mammal market. This is where things get tricky, because one squirrel is actually worth about 15 birds when the market is down, like it is today.
So, to do the math, two birds in your hand with none in the bush means that the birds are infinitely valuable but since there is only one squirrel in the bush and that squirrel is not in anyone’s hand, the squirrel is worth infinity times 15, which is way higher than regular old infinity times 1.
That’s not the real question here. You’ve posed a question about economics, but there’s a deeper, more personal question that you haven’t come out and asked us. On the surface you have given us a question about avian currency and economics structures but what I think you really want to know is:
Why are you afraid of Squirrels?
For you to be terrified of a squirrel tells me that you yourself might be, or are related to, a great evil. Based on this knowledge, and the fact that I happen to be a certified online black belt in battle church, I think that we should never meet, as I will be forced to exorcise you on the spot. That means I will douse you with holy water and beat your wet head in with a Bible until you accept squirrels into your heart.
My best advice to you is to avoid me, because no matter how much the birds in your hands are worth, I can and will perform a kung fu themed exorcism on you.
No need to thank me!
Any advice to help a guy with mental illness find a girlfriend? I’m trying to find a long term relationship but I keep running into a wall!
Kathy:
Thank you so much for posing this question to us. My friend, I feel like you have come to just the right place. To me, the answer for you is very clear.
I know it may seem like a good idea and perhaps the other kids are doing it, but I really think you need to stop running into that wall. It is very obvious to me that that is your core issue. Continue reading
The feeling of inferiority that can be experienced when a traumatic loss, such as a job, occurs is always amplified when held up to the shining achievements of others. The closer those others are to you, personally…well the greater the effects can be upon your emotional well being. Fortunately there is a clear and easy way to deal with this mental mess. It is called leveling the playing field.
I’m really glad that you wrote in and asked us this question. It’s a shame that our sex ed classes in high school don’t address the specific situations that pop up in a young woman’s life. If we could have an open dialogue in our classrooms you would have known the risk immediately and known what to do.
Just thank god that you live in a world where you ask this type of question to the experts!
The fact of the matter is that you are probably pregnant. Yes, the pill has an effective kill rate of 99 percent to your boyfriend’s little army of clones. The problem is, they never tell you the actual numbers. Read on to have some facts lay on top of your mind and dry hump it.
The average population of sperm in one ejaculation is about 750 million. This is more than double the current total US population and should every one of these sperm find an egg you would have a very complicated pregnancy. As stated above, the pill is 99% effective. That means that about 8.5 million sperm survived to penetrate the clothes, make the climb up Mount Vagina and make camp under the stars of the Uterine sky.
That’s not all of the bad news. It’s a commonly known fact that clothing is a horrible pregnancy deterrent. My guess is that, as a best case scenario, 500,000 of the lazier sperm got distracted by the colorful fields of fabric on the way to the base of the mountain. They broke off, made camp and started a simpler life.
Sperm that aren’t going for the mountain can live up to thirty years, resist laundry detergents and, while getting stronger, can make a run at the mountain at any time. This is why it’s essential to burn anything the sperm could have made contact with.
Ok, so now you have 8 million sperm sitting under the Uterine sky waiting for nature to take its course. You should know the rest of what happens up there and I won’t bore you with the details, but basically you’re going to have a baby in 9 months. The odds are against you on this one.
If you ever have time to dry hump with a condom on while using birth control again, you should really consider a couple of key points that will prevent you from making a little baby until you are ready for him/her.
1)The most effective way to make sure nothing bad happens while engaging in activities like this is to dry hump from across the room. Do what you normally do, just do it from at least 15 feet apart. Please do not skimp on any of your birth control methods as they are still very important.
2)Once you are finished, he needs to encase himself up to his neck in a large trash bag or other plastic material immediately. You need to contain those little guys before they can get out. A small but powerful percentage of sperm can actually fly short distances so make sure this happens fast.
3)You must burn anything that he was in, on, near, around or even looked at, as it all could contain sperm sitting there biding their time. True birth control is expensive, be prepared for this.
4)Drink a lot of orange juice. This has nothing to do with your question, but it’s a good source of vitamin C and calcium, which is very important in a balanced diet.
With this advice, you’ll never have to panic like this again and you have the added health bonus of orange juice to help you through the first kid.
No need to thank me!
Geoff: These are the kinds of questions that the Your Stupid Advice team lives for. You, gentle reader, are sitting at home and you have an idea, maybe even a stroke of genius. What do you do with it? How do you even know it’s a brilliant idea? You came to the right place.The simple answer, of course, is yes. I know I would love to add your girlfriend’s canned flatulence to my wall of quirky collectibles. It would fit perfectly in between the coffee can of toe nails that I secretly clipped off of attractive women while they slept and my scrap book of padding I cut out of women’s bras after going through their trash.
Yes, a hermetically sealed cloud of hot woman ass stink would be a perfect pick-me-up on a horrible day. I know I would be a repeat customer since I have a high number of horrible days. But why stop there? You own the factory, the production line, and distribution. If there’s one person willing to buy this there are a million.
What you need to do is brand your product. You have the basics of a powerful business but you need to find a way to deliver the product to your fans.
First, I suggest coming up with a classy name, something like Whiff Of Crass, Flaxcellence or Ode Della Puzza (Italian for fart). Find the name, own the name, tell everyone about it.
Next, You have to make sure your girlfriend’s hotness is a universal truth. It’s a well known fact that a woman’s (or a man’s for that matter) hotness goes up when sex is on the table so you need to invest in an independent panel of disinterested people. She needs to average a 9 or higher to move forward because if you’re going to sell her farts, she has to be really hot.
If she doesn’t meet the hotness criteria, just find someone else’s photo and use that instead. Google “hot woman” and you should get as many results as you can handle.
Another key point is your investment into the project. You have to make sure you have beans and a mason jar on hand at ANY TIME. Every fart that escapes is money out of your pocket. You might want to look into some sort of gas storage system she can wear when she goes out to a party so you don’t miss any of your product. I’m thinking an airbag glued to her rump with a valve on the back would work; when it inflates, it’s time to go home.
These are some basic guidelines for you but why stop here? If you follow the rules above you’ll do OK but you really need to start thinking big picture. These are some of the things you need to be thinking of:
1)Why not start capturing her burps as well? Those are going to happen with all the gas inducing food you’re going to feed her.
2)How about taking a swipe of her armpits after she works out and putting the rag in a jar? I know I would like a whiff of her pits on a hot summer day.
3)Think even larger: Start developing an army of farters to do all of the above and send you the jars for distribution.
This will provide a larger variety of women, diets, smells and situations. You could start a Perfumery type of retail store where a customer can come in an mix a fart from a southern girl on a train with her mom in the south of France with an imported, rare Ethiopian Mountain Dew induced burp from the Eritrean Highlands during the fall. The combinations are endless; so is the profit.
Anyway, I hope that I’ve given you some food for thought, or, should I say, some food for fart. Please let us know how you have moved forward with the idea and, as always, we wish you good luck.
No need to thank me!
Kathy:
My advice to you is to ask your boyfriend a lot of questions. Guys don’t like to talk a lot, especially about themselves and all the amazing things they do all day and how awesome they are in general. This is why you have to do a lot of the talking. But you don’t want to sound self-absorbed, so you need to fill the silences with questions. Questions make you sound like you’re interested in him, you’re intelligent and you’re curious. These are great qualities to emulate. So start asking.
Following are questions guys love to be asked. These inquiries will certainly get conversations half started with your boyfriend. You, of course, will not let him actually finish a reply to any of these questions because if you don’t interrupt him and ask more questions, he will think you are bored or too stupid to understand what he’s saying.
1. Do I look fat?
They love this question. You can even get creative and construct variances by being specific about why you might get fat. For this reason, this question will never get old.
2. How do you like my haircut?
This is an especially important question if he has failed to mention your haircut. He probably thinks you’re self-conscious about it, so he’s waiting for you to bring it up so he can shower you with compliments.
3. Where is this relationship going?
This is another great question. Relationship conversations always make guys feel like you are very into them and this type of question makes you seem very wise and mature. Don’t interrupt too soon with this one. He needs to have time to really think about it so he can feel like he’s being as wise and mature as you are.
4. Am I a good kisser?
This question shows him that you want to be the best you can be around him and that you are interested in pleasing him. Extra bonus points can be awarded if he’s creative enough to come up with comparison examples for you.
5. Am I prettier than your last girlfriend?
This is the perfect way to show him you are interested in his ENTIRE life. You know that his past makes him who he is and that means you want to hear all about it.
6. Do you like my sister?
You should give him a chance to show his interest in you by talking about how he feels about members of your family. Families and significant others should get along, so it’s important to find out how much he likes your sister.
7. If I said it was ok, would you make out with another girl? If so, whom?
These kinds of “what if” questions give him a chance to really exercise his critical thinking skills and show off his colorful brain feathers to you. Plus, questions like these give you a chance to form your imaginary life together and bring you closer.
8. What do you think about while you masturbate?
Another question which reveals your high level of maturity and intense interest in your boyfriend and his well-being. Besides, he wants to tell you about this and is just waiting for a sign from you that you want to hear it. And you may get a chance to give him some ideas and be a part of something that is very important to him.
This is just the tip of the question iceberg, but you get the idea. Keep ‘em coming fast and furious and you’ll have that boyfriend wrapped around your finger in no time.
And, remember, the fun thing about boyfriend questions is that there are always wrong answers. This makes Q&A time a super fun game to play again and again.
All the best!
