Rapid Fire Stupidity

Sometimes you don’t need 500 words to give bad advice.

How do I tell if my boyfriend is cheating on me?
Kathy: Scan him with a black light.
Geoff: make sure you actually have a boyfriend, then consult a Ouija board.
Chris: Does he always want to be the banker in Monopoly? He’s cheating.

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I think my uncle steals my laundry from my mom, what should I do?

When my mom comes into my room to get my laundry my uncle distracts her and then runs off with my laundry. This has happened like twice before and now I don’t know if I should expect my mom to do my laundry or my uncle to do my laundry. Help!

Lauren

Geoff:

The easy answer here is that you should probably just do your own laundry, which will not only cut your weird uncle out of the picture, it will also establish your independence from your mom. The Your Stupid Advice team doesn’t want to let a simple answer get in the way of a great answer though, so let’s dive into this. Continue reading


How do I tell my boyfriend I want a break?

Can I just text him we need to talk & tell him to meet me somewhere then what do I tell him?

Chris:

Well, I’m happy to tell you that you have come to the right place for advice. I have had this news broken to me in just about every conceivable way so far (the most inventive being the conveying of the message through the use of semaphore flags whilst being serenaded by a Mariachi Band. It is impossible to be depressed when there is a Mariachi Band playing. Try it sometime. Seriously. You’d be surprised how easy it is to find a Mariachi Band on Craigslist. Just be careful in your ad. That is a scenario that can take a dangerous and erotic turn quite quickly.) Continue reading


Any advice on how to deal with dating a guy who emits weird odors? I’m asking for a friend.

Any advice on how to deal with dating a guy who emits weird odors? I’m asking for a friend.
-Christy Schultz

Geoff:

Dating is already tricky without having such an obvious, deterring thing like bad smells to deal with. It’s good that your friend had the courage to come out in the open and ask you privately to come ask us publicly about this issue. Yes, dating a guy who emits a weird odor can be really tricky to deal with, but always remember, relationships are about finding your way around these things.

All that said, there are only a few conditions that would make a guy smell in a way that can be described as “weird” and would warrant the word “emits.”

Yes, the reality is that your friend is dating a dead guy.

At first, this might seem a little bit of a turn off but I assure you that there are some serious advantages to dating a dead guy. Let’s explore the fun you can have with a corpse.

First, There are the obvious sexual ramifications that come from rigormortis. This stiffening of certain body parts can achieve in a mere few hours what it took roughly 10,000 years of medicine to come up with… and you don’t have to pay for the Viagra. A less obvious benefit is all the money you’ll save by not having to buy birth control anymore. Also, with a proper bungee/pulley system you can pull off any position in the Kama Sutra. Wear a helmet though, safety first.

Also, you will never find a better listener than a corpse. Using the same pulley system as above, he will always have a hug to give. If you need him to lend an ear, he can do that… literally, if that’s your thing. With a little manipulation using rubber bands, you can make any facial expression you need. Need a soft smile? Put a rubber band around his ears and under his chin. Need some empathy? Put two fish hooks in opposite sides of his mouth, feed the strings under his clothes and tie them to his toes really tight to pull his mouth down and make him frown with you.

Finally, the biggest advantage is that your relationship will only last two weeks, which, of course, is the average time for the putrefaction process of a dead body to become out of hand. Since you need to move on every two weeks, it spares you the emotional rollercoaster of a normal relationship. Also, this opens you up to experiencing all kinds of different types of relationships… and, bonus, you’ll never have to worry about introducing your boyfriend to your parents.

Which is good because one thing a corpse sucks at is conversation.

No need to thank me!


How do you start a shoes off in the house rule?

Do you allow shoes in your house? I am moving into a new house with very light colored carpeting and want to keep it clean. I have never lived in a house that has a rule to remove shoes at the door and want to know how to start. What do you do with guests and friends?

Chris:

You have asked an excellent question, my friend, and since I have about three minutes of deep thought to put into this answer before my dinner is finished reheating in the microwave, I am here to help!

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I need some advanced economics advice about birds, bushes and squirrels. Can you help?

Stupid Advice people, I understand that a bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. But what should I do if I have two birds in my hand and there’s a squirrel in the bush? Please answer quickly as this is happening to me right now. I typed this on my phone with one hand and I’m very scared of squirrels.

Geoff:

This is a simple question of economics. The value of any given bird is based upon the limited number of available birds as a whole.The more birds there are, the less each bird is actually worth. If you have 2 birds in your hand, and there are none in the bush, then the birds’ value is going to rise infinitely. In a large scale economy, we would need to count the bushes and birds in the bushes but for our purposes here that’s irrelevant.

Now let’s talk about the squirrel. The squirrel is clearly a foreign currency. The bird price is based on the avian market and the squirrel price is based on the mammal market. This is where things get tricky, because one squirrel is actually worth about 15 birds when the market is down, like it is today.

So, to do the math, two birds in your hand with none in the bush means that the birds are infinitely valuable but since there is only one squirrel in the bush and that squirrel is not in anyone’s hand, the squirrel is worth infinity times 15, which is way higher than regular old infinity times 1.

That’s not the real question here. You’ve posed a question about economics, but there’s a deeper, more personal question that you haven’t come out and asked us. On the surface you have given us a question about avian currency and economics structures but what I think you really want to know is:

Why are you afraid of Squirrels?

Squirrels are the kindest and fluffiest animals on the planet coming in only second to bunnies. They are known for their mass storage strategies of legumes in trees and bushes. The tail of the squirrel is known as a sign of virility in more than 50 cultures. Basically, squirrels represent everything that is good about the world.

For you to be terrified of a squirrel tells me that you yourself might be, or are related to, a great evil. Based on this knowledge, and the fact that I happen to be a certified online black belt in battle church, I think that we should never meet, as I will be forced to exorcise you on the spot. That means I will douse you with holy water and beat your wet head in with a Bible until you accept squirrels into your heart.

My best advice to you is to avoid me, because no matter how much the birds in your hands are worth, I can and will perform a kung fu themed exorcism on you.

No need to thank me!


My son got sprayed by a skunk and the stink won’t go away help!?

How do I get rid of the smell!?!

Chris:
It is true…the defensive glandular release of the skunk is a mighty force to be reckoned with. Of course, the absolute easiest way to deal with the smell is to just write the kid off. Cut your losses. You didn’t include your age and measurements in the question submission (we really should insist upon this in the future) but I can only assume that you are at a point in your life where you are still capable of creating a suitable replacement. A replacement that doesn’t smell awful. However, I suppose I can understand if you have developed some sort of attachment to this walking bag of potential organ replacements. This being the case…you have some options.You can Continue reading

How do I stay fragrant?

Whenever I am at my girlfriend’s place, I’m terrified when I have to use her washroom. Any advice on how I can use it without making her whole apartment smell like something is dying inside of me?
Geoff:
The first thing that comes to mind is that you should probably go to the doctor to make sure something didn’t, in fact, die inside of you. In the Arkansas Medical Journal issue 32 from 1857, there was a documented case of a man who had 2 pancreases, one of which died. The resulting smell was rancid; from every orifice oozed a rotting flesh odor that attracted only flies. Continue reading

Any advice to help a guy with mental illness find a girlfriend? I’m trying to find a long term relationship but I keep running into a wall!

Any advice to help a guy with mental illness find a girlfriend? I’m trying to find a long term relationship but I keep running into a wall!

Kathy:

Thank you so much for posing this question to us. My friend, I feel like you have come to just the right place. To me, the answer for you is very clear.

I know it may seem like a good idea and perhaps the other kids are doing it, but I really think you need to stop running into that wall. It is very obvious to me that that is your core issue. Continue reading


How do I tell my family I was laid off?

Dear Stupid Advisors, I was recently laid off from my job. So recently that I haven’t yet told my family. I have to go back home for a function and everyone in my family will be there. Do I tell them or let them think everything is ok? Also, everyone in my family is very successful at their job.
Chris:

The feeling of inferiority that can be experienced when a traumatic loss, such as a job, occurs is always amplified when held up to the shining achievements of others. The closer those others are to you, personally…well the greater the effects can be upon your emotional well being. Fortunately there is a clear and easy way to deal with this mental mess. It is called leveling the playing field.

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